At every workshop I’ve taught over the last decade, someone has asked a version of this question:
What do I do if he comes too quickly?
It’s usually paired with other questions about helping their partner last longer and reaching their own orgasm more quickly.
There’s a difference between coming too quickly for you and premature ejaculation (PE)
At some point in their life, about 1 in 3 people with penises will ejaculate sooner during
intercourse than they or their partner would like. A diagnosis of PE usually happens if said person:
- Always or almost always ejaculates within one minute of penetration
- Cannot delay ejaculation all or most of the time
- Feels distressed and frustrated, and avoids all forms of sex
I don’t share this to diminish your frustration about this issue.
Take a look at the rest of your sex life
Are you satisfied in other areas? Do you spend enough time on foreplay? Are there deeper relationship issues at work? Have you incorporated toys? Are you getting your pleasure?
Rather than focus solely on your partner coming too quickly, use this problem as an opportunity to turn towards each other, expand your sex life, and deepen your connection.
As their partner, do your best to avoid laughing or lashing out at them. Yes, it happens—in relationships and on a larger scale in the form of jokes and memes.
There’s no denying this is frustrating AF. Thankfully, there are lots of things you can do to help them last longer in bed—individually and together.
13 Ways to Help Them Last Longer in Bed
- Get your pleasure first! In other words: spend more time on the sex acts that bring you pleasure first, especially if it takes you a while to experience orgasm from intercourse. This way you’ll be satisfied and less worried about them lasting.
- Focus on maximizing pleasure, not orgasm. Orgasms feel fabulous but the benefits of experiencing pleasure—less stress, more connection, better sleep, etc—come regardless of whether that pleasure ends in an explosion.