There’s a lot of mystery, negativity, and wrong information surrounding female orgasm. Like they take a long time or are difficult to have. Or they have to be mind-blowingly amazing and happen at the same time as your partner. Or that “the best orgasm” looks a certain way (usually vaginal intercourse).
All of these can be true, but it’s only part of the story.
Female orgasms comes in all different shapes, sizes, & strength.
There’s no one right way to orgasm. And what’s the best orgasm ever to one person might be the norm to someone else. As I wrote in a past post:
Not all orgasms are created equal. In fact they come in all different intensities, ranging from a quiet whisper to a full body, roll-over-and-pass-out-immediately, earth shattering release. Click here to read more.
Most of us don’t talk about our orgasms with other women. So we assume that what gets us *there* works for everyone else too (or, if you can’t orgasm, that there’s something “wrong” with you…I promise there isn’t). While there are definitely some things that work for most, no one thing works for everyone, every time. This also means that what you like can change over time.
When you talk about your orgasm & hear about others’ you realize there’s tons of orgasm variety.
There are so many new things you can play with and explore – and this variety is part of what makes orgasms so damn fun. But you have to learn about them first!
This need to talk about the Big O more is exactly what inspired Linda Troeller and Marion Schneider to create Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews. In it, they interviewed 25 women of all different ages, nationalities, and social backgrounds about what turns them on and what gets them off.
Here are a few of the things the women used to experience orgasm:
- A vibrator
- A shower head
- Paint brushes
- A hair brush handle
The women also talked about what they needed to experience their orgasm. These included:
- A deep connection with their partner
- Feeling relaxed
- Feeling free
On all these lists, you probably see some things that surprise you and others that are super familiar. Hopefully some of the surprising ones inspire new fantasies and sexy ideas! The bigger message, and the best thing about sex generally, is this: there’s something for everyone.
Self-pleasure is important for orgasm.
The women knew all this info because they spent their time exploring and playing with their pleasure. In fact, many had their first and/or strongest orgasm on their own.
For some it was intentional: they decided to explore what felt good. For others, it was an oopsie – something felt good and they kept doing and then they had an orgasm. Some of the women didn’t even recognize their first orgasm for what it was. Believe it or not, this is way more common than you’d think.
The common theme is that you have the power to create your orgasm.
It’s something that comes from your body (and brain), not that someone or something else gives you. You create that pleasure. Pretty amazing huh?! To do this though, you need to know what you like and what you don’t. Self-pleasure is one part of that, especially if you already do it regularly. You might also feel more comfortable exploring with your partner. Or doing both.
What ultimately matters for creating a more intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life is that you know what brings you to orgasm, you play with and explore new things, and you practice what works, however many times each week is right for you.
9 Questions to Ask Yourself for the Best Orgasm
To learn about the woman’s orgasms, the book’s creators asked them a series of five questions. Writing down your answers to these is a fun way to figure out what you need to have your best orgasm.
1) What does the word orgasm mean to you?
2) Can you remember your first orgasm and show your feelings to the camera?
3) Can you remember your strongest orgasm and show your feelings to the camera?
4) Do you have fantasies when you create or experience an orgasm?
5) What is the future of orgasm in society/in the world?
Answering these is super helpful if you struggle to orgasm or want stronger, more regular climaxes. Questions 2-3 are extra important because they help you figure out what was happening when you came the first time and the best time. Here are some four more questions to answer as you describe your first and strongest orgasm:
6) How did you feel leading up to and during your first orgasm? Your strongest?
7) What did your partner say and do?
8) What did you say and do?
9) What didn’t happen?
Use a lot of detail here. The more you can write down, the more information you’ll get about what works for you…and what doesn’t.
Knowing what turns you off is just as important as knowing what gets you off.
If something doesn’t bring you to climax, it’s easy to feel discouraged. But that info is actually really important! For example, one of the women talked about her need to feel relaxed, safe, and connected with her partner in order to come. Knowing this lets her make better decisions around when she has sex and what she does with her partners during that sexy time.
Maybe you know that being stressed makes it hard for you to come. And perhaps you don’t even try to get in the mood, never mind get off, if you feel tense (and let’s be real- that’s pretty often!). Instead, take what you know doesn’t work, in this case being stressed, and combine it with what you know helps you feel relaxed, yummy, and sexy. That might be a bath or sensual massage. Now you have everything you need to get in the mood and you’re one step closer to your wonderful, unique, and awesome climax.
If you want to see a beautiful variety of orgasms that are all totally amazing in their own way, and get some new ideas that can work for you, check out Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews.
Your Partner in Passion,
A copy of Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews was provided to me in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.