Recently I chatted with a client who wanted to experience a better orgasm. They masturbated regularly and could come easily but wanted to have a stronger, more intense orgasm. I totally loved this question because it reminded me of something we are never taught.
Sex is a journey
And it looks different for everyone – where you start, where you go, and where you end.
You’ll master your orgasm and then want a better one. You’ll nail a sex position and then look for ways to make it hotter. You’ll have one sexy convo with your partner(s) and then wonder how to do it again. It’s the very nature of desire to never be fully satisfied. As Danielle LaPorte says,
Its ok to want a longer, stronger, better orgasm
You know the fairytale, rom-com magic. Exactly what that means, varies person to person. For you it might be long-lasting tantric climaxes or multiple O’s. Whatever it feels like, you totally deserve it.
Now to be clear: your orgasm isn’t always going to feel like that. And unlike in the movies and romance novels (and fanfic), it probably will take some exploration and playing (also known as the most fun work of your life) to get there.
People who experience orgasm regularly have these things in common
Research comparing cis women who experience orgasm regularly versus those who don’t tells us that those who do:
- Experience more pleasure and have less sexual distress
- Think erotic thoughts during both solo sex and sex with their partners
- Believe that focusing on the physical sensations of sex are the best thoughts during the moment
- Use more than one kind of stimulation (eg clitorial, vaginal, anal, nipple, etc) simultaneously, especially during intercourse
- Get more creative in the bedroom (or wherever)
Notice anything about this list? It’s less about what’s happening during sex and more about what your brain is doing before, during, and after sex.
Train Your Mind to Receive Pleasure
Your mind plays a big role in your ability to experience pleasure, orgasm, and sexual distress. Why not treat yourself by focusing on the first two?
Get curious and creative
Regularly ask yourself, “what else?” What else feels good? Turns you on? What else do you find sexy AF? What else turns you off? Your answers will change throughout your life as your body and relationship(s) evolve. So continually asking this question ensures that you’ll always have new things to try.You can start solo. Stroke your hands, toys, or other props all over your body, lingering where it feels good. Want to get your beau involved? Try this for a steamy date night in.
Whether you are alone, with a partner, or just going about your life. Want to share your fantasy with your beau without feeling awkward? Here’s how. Need some sexy inspiration for your fantasies? Check out our favourite romance novels.
Focus on physical sensations
Identify three things you feel. Maybe it’s the sheets beneath you, the air going in and out of your lungs, and your heartbeat speeding up. Add in the other senses if you want! We recommend practicing first in non-sexual situations like working out or walking your dog, then during solo sex, and lastly with a partner. Or jump right in.
Do one thing every damn day just because it feels good
Masturbation is a great option. So are impromptu dance parties, being in nature, running through sprinklers, or making snow angels with your puppy. This puts pleasure on your mind, making it easier to focus on in more intimate moments.
Edging, also known as orgasm control, peaking, or the stop-start method, is the practice of getting RIGHT THERE and then stopping. You then wait however long you need to regain your senses and begin self-pleasuring again. Essentially you’re teasing yourself (or your partner(s)).
You can do a single round or a bunch in a row. The goal is to stay in an aroused state and eventually have your best orgasm.
Anyone can practice edging
It doesn’t matter what tingly bits you have. It doesn’t matter if you’re having sex or masturbating. It doesn’t if you use a toy or your hands.
That’s the beauty of edging: you can just try it anytime, anywhere. Ok maybe that’s an exaggeration. Here’s what you actually need.
- Time to play
- The willingness to get a little sexually frustrated
- Something to pleasure yourself with (hands, toys, or partner)
- The desire to lavish yourself with pleasure
One of these probably sounds really hard. That’s why I recommend starting with just one round. It’s much easier to overcome the challenge or fear or discomfort by taking a teeny tiny step. You need just a few more minutes, to deal with a little bit of frustration, or have the tiniest desire.
Edging is easy
To do it, simply do what you normally would but stop just before you’re about to come. My friend and colleague Caitlin (yes there’s lots of us!) describes it so deliciously, I’ll let them share:
You’re so close that you can almost feel it, and then you back down just to start back up again when you’ve calmed down just enough to be able to go on without orgasming. You repeat the process until you’ve deemed it’s OK to jump over the edge and have an orgasm. And, oh, what an orgasm it is. (Source)
If you’re with a partner, this is a bit more complicated because you have to tell them when to pause. Even then, it’s probably one of the easiest ways to spice things up your sex life.
Now, you might be thinking, “Ok but I don’t know WHEN I’m about to orgasm.” You need a step 0: pay attention to your orgasm and what it feels like right before you climax. Learn what being on the edge feels like so you can then pull back when you want.
Practice edging on your own first
It’s generally a good idea to explore new sexy things on your own first. This lets you get the awkwardness and embarrassment that comes from trying anything new (sexy or otherwise!) out of the way. You’ll learn
- what being on the edge feels like.
- how much “down time” you need between pulling back and beginning to touch yourself again.
- how many rounds of edging feel good.
- how powerful your orgasms can be.
Once you know you can do it on your own, you’ll feel more confident trying it with your lover. Of course, you might just want to keep this sexy secret for yourself…and that’s ok too. 😉
You deserve to have the orgasm you dream of
In fact it’s fucking fantastic. It means you want to continue growing, that you aren’t willing to settle. And if you’re like that in your sex life and relationship, you’re probably the same way in your life. What I’ve seen from working with clients is that these traits are vital to having an intimate, adventurous, fulfilling sex life. Anyone can learn them but you’re already halfway there.