How to Talk to Your Partner About Lack of Intimacy & Other Sex Problems

This article on how to talk to your partner about a lack of intimacy and other relationship, sex, or health issues, is an excerpt from The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more CONFIDENCE, CONNECTION, and PLEASURE in the bedroom and beyond.  Click here to get your copy.

Dealing with relationship, sex, or health issues can be, well, a pain. This is especially true when dealing with intimate issues erectile dysfunction, fibroids, pain during sex, or different sex drives. The shame and silence around these topics make it more challenging and uncomfortable to discuss with anyone, especially someone you’re having sex with. Yet your partner(s) can be incredible allies, providing support and encouragement.

If you’re ready to talk to your partner about a lack of intimacy – or other relationship, sex, or health issues – here’s a step by step guide to do so with minimal awkwardness or embarrassment.

The Top 12 Sex Issues in a Relationship

These are the most topics we receive the most questions and comments about:

  • Low and mismatched libido/desire – you want sex all the time and your partner/s doesn’t (or vice versa)
  • Not having enough sex or sex as often as you’d like
  • Feeling broken, like there’s something wrong with you or your body
  • Reintroducing and (re)building intimacy
  • Sharing and exploring sexual fantasies, kink and BDSM, non-monogamy, etc – but feeling too shy, worried about rejection or starting an argument, or otherwise unsure how to bring it up.
  • Not feeling a deep connection with your partner/s—in the bedroom and out
  • Stress, anxiety, and depression impacting your desire to have, never mind enjoy sex
  • Orgasm, especially how to orgasm with a partner or how to help your partner orgasm
  • Sex feels like a chore
  • Mindful sex and getting out of your head and into the present moment during sex
  • Discussing sex with a partner—in an open, nonjudgmental way that leads to things actually changing
  • Feeling insecure and anxious about sex, your relationship/s, and/or your body

Whatever the sex issue, awareness is step #1…

Without it, the change and healing you crave around these issues simply can’t happen. After all—how can you change what you aren’t even aware of?

Awareness allows you to have a deeper understanding of what’s going on, why it’s happening, and the likely many factors that are causing it—from the very micro, personal scale (e.g. a stressful day at work) to the macro scale (e.g. receiving harmful, sex-negative messages from society about people who hold your identities).

As we recently heard Korin Mills summarize,

“The more awareness you can bring to norms, the more they can become tools, resources, and assets and not unconscious actors oppressing you.”

…and communication is step #2

From there, you gotta talk about it! Here’s why:

It brings your partner/s into shared awareness so that you can work together to address the dynamic at play and so that they can support you in any healing, unlearning, etc that may go along with your journey.

Of course talking about sex is easier said than done (see what we did there). From starting the conversation to returning when past sex talks have failed, there are many opportunities for missteps—as well as course corrections.

But…it doesn’t have to be that way.

Want the ultimate guide to talking to your partner about sex, health, and relationship issues?

That’s why we created The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want. Its a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more confidence, connection, and pleasure in the bedroom and beyond.

0,The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want: How to Talk About Sex for More Pleasure, Connection, and Confidence

Before The Talk

Having the most productive talk about relationship, sex, or health issues with your partner(s) means starting before you sit down together. Here’s how to set the stage for an open, nonjudgmental conversation about sex.

Do Your Research

Learn how this sex issue can impact the different aspects of your sex life and relationship, from body image to stress to trying new things in bed. Talk to your healthcare providers, seek out blogs and research articles on the topic, and reflect on your personal experiences.

It may help to write down talking points to guide your conversation and ground you.

THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR PARTNER(S) BEST RECEIVES INFORMATION

Do they resonate more with personal anecdotes and stories? Facts and figures? Something else? Share it in that way to make it easiest for them to understand and for you to feel heard.

GATHER TOOLS TO HELP YOU STAY PRESENT

Do you have a beloved talisman like a crystal, goddess card, stuffed animal, etc?  Are there tinctures that help you feel connected? How about an essential oil blend that you can diffuse? Gather whatever it is you use to ground yourself.

Read More: 10 Ways To Use Essential Oils for Sex

REFLECT ON WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED from the Conversation

Journal, meditate, practice mindfulness, pray, or move your body on why you’re telling your partner(s), what you’d like to get out of the conversation, and how you want them to support you. Some questions to consider are:

  • How active of a role do you want them to take in tackling this relationship, sex, or health issue?
  • When you experience the issue, how would you like them to react?
  • How do you most like to be supported?
  • In general, how do you want them to approach this issue?

Some of these answers will come over time, through trial and error. Reflecting on them in advance, though, helps the conversation stay focused and be productive.

ASSUME THE BEST

If this is an established partner, think about all the tough conversations you’ve already had with them about money, politics, sex, the state of your union, and more. This is simply another one.

Someone new(er)? Trust that most humans can handle more than we give them credit for.

MAKE IT COMFORTABLE

Choose a time that you typically aren’t stressed or tired—both of these make it more likely you’ll end up fighting instead of having a productive conversation. And if it comes time to talk and one or both of you feels like shit? Reschedule. 

During the Talk

When you go to talk about relationship, sex, or health issues with your partner, use these tips to guide you in the moment.

CREATE A CONTAINER IN WHICH TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION

This is a strategy to help you be present with one another and also give a formal opening and closing to what might be a challenging conversation. It doesn’t mean the conversation can’t continue, only that you’re choosing when and where.

You can keep this as simple as lighting a candle at the start and blowing it out after your conversation. Here are a few more great ideas:

  • eye gaze
  • hug
  • hold hands and breathe
  • toss a ball back and forth
  • dance to a song
  • do a mirror exercise
  • rock side to side

START THE CONVERSATION THE RIGHT WAY

Let them know there’s something you want to talk about and that it feels sensitive, awkward, etc—whatever emotion is alive in you. And then dive in.

Read More: A Simple Technique to Help You Start Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Learn What They Know – or Don’t

Are they aware you’ve been having issues? Have they commented on changes like increased trips to the bathroom or wincing in pain during sex? Are they completely oblivious? Did they research the issue on their own? Know someone with something similar?

Based on what they share, tell them more about your experience thus far. Use the resources you prepared to share the impact of this on your life and the relationship.

LET THEM KNOW HOW THEY CAN SUPPORT YOU

Would you prefer they ignore the issue? Joke about it? Check-in regularly? Provide practical support like helping you with vaginal dilator exercises or by carrying extra underwear or pads in their bag? Do you want them to offer you suggestions or defer to you in all things or something in between?

Use the reflection you did in advance to guide this part of the convo. And, remember: if you don’t know the answers to these questions, that’s OK! Share that, plus whatever feels true in this moment and the expectation that your needs will likely change over time.

ENCOURAGE THEM TO DO THEIR OWN RESEARCH AND EMOTIONAL LABOR

Repeat after me (as often as needed):

I am not responsible for my health issues OR partner’s emotional response to them.

Often in relationships, the sick person ends up managing their own emotions, their health issue, and their partner’s feelings. That’s not fair to anyone, especially the person struggling.

This doesn’t mean you should avoid having vulnerable conversations about how this sex issue impacts your relationship and sex life, and how you both feel about it.

It means your partner(s) needs to find their emotional center of gravity (h/t Emily Nagoski) around this issue, both in the moment and on a larger scale.

BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS

Don’t shy away from being real and raw about how this sex issue makes you feel, as well as how your partner’s words and actions impact that. Understand that a lot of it is your own mindset—how you feel about the situation and also how you feel about how you feel about the situation. But you and your partner(s) can work together to create a better context.

BE CURIOUS

Stay open to their perspective. If you notice yourself getting defensive, it’s OK to name that, call a timeout, or resume the conversation another time.

AVOID YES/NO QUESTIONS

Instead of, “are you happy with how often we have sex?” Ask, “how do you feel about how often we have sex?” This invites more dialogue. 

STICK TO YOUR FEELINGS AND DESIRES

Instead of blaming or shaming your feelings, let your partner know how you’re feeling and what prompted you to have this conversation. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • I miss our physical connection. How would you feel about having sex more?
  • I feel like we only touch if we’re going to have sex. Sometimes I want to touch you without it leading to anything else.
  • I’m really stressed lately and not as in the mood. Can we pull back on how often we have sex?

MAKE A FOLLOW-UP PLAN

It’s so easy to let this conversation be a one and done and then get stuck in your new routine. Instead, make a plan to follow-up. If you’re calendar-loving folx, add it in there. You also could plan a regular “State of Our Union” talk so that it becomes a habit to have conversations like this.

After the Talk

Just like your relationship, sex, and health issues, the conversation doesn’t stop after one talk.

Seek additional support

Dealing with health issues can exhaust everyone involved. Make sure you both have support beyond each other to lean on when one or both of you is at capacity. This might look like personalized support like working with a therapist, sex coach, or couples counsellor. Digital support counts too! There are thriving online communities dedicated to every type of health issue, including blogs, facebook, mighty network groups, and more.

CONSIDER BRINGING your partner(s) TO A PELVIC FLOOR PHYSICAL THERAPY APPOINTMENT

Pelvic floor physiotherapy is an increasingly common treatment for many kinds of genital issues, from incontinence to pelvic pain. Bringing your partner(s) for a visit or two can help them understand/give them new ways to support you. Sometimes it also helps to have, and/or is easier to hear information from, an objective third party—who society deems an expert.

Same goes for other healthcare appointments.

DON’T LET ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS BECOME ABOUT THis Sex Issue

It’s easy for healthcare issues to consume your time together. It impacts every part of your life, after all. Agree to create intentional space for other topics that you usually talk about. If you struggle with this, try doing an all-consuming activity like a movie that gives you something to talk about.

Read More: Easy Ways to Add Adventure to Your Relationship

Physical sex issues are one more challenge for you and your partner(s) to solve together

When it comes to how to talk about lack of intimacy with your partner(s), these steps will help you approach it as a team, support each other in the healthiest way possible, and grow stronger as a result.

To Top