I’m so super excited to welcome Chelsea from The New Wifestyle back. The wisdom she drops in today’s post about how to be intimate without sex is nothing short of magnificent. I especially appreciate that she separates ‘intimacy’ and ‘sex.’ So often we use one word in place of the other and don’t say what we really mean.
You can definitely have sex or intimacy without the other…but you need both to have an adventurous & fulfilling relationship.
Feel solid in the intimacy department but need some help with your sex drive? Check out my post over at Chelsea’s blog tomorrow on dealing with different sex drives in a long-term relationship.
Without further ado…here’s how you can be more intimate with your partner, no sex required.
often times when we think of ‘intimacy,’ the thoughts of sex or physical touch cross our minds but intimacy goes way deeper than that. the definition of intimacy has a wide range of what it consists of (8 different things to be exact) but the synonyms include warmth, affection, closeness, and familiarity. i like those. they are all things i want and desire for my own relationship with my husband, especially now that we’ve decided to go back to dating (aka, not going to the bathroom with the door open).
when you have been in a relationship for a while (even a short while), there will come a time when you and your partner have different libidos. thankfully kait is over on my blog talking all about that today so check it out because it’s gonna happen, that’s life ladies (and gents).
just because you may be feeling differently when it comes to having sex doesn’t mean your intimacy has to fade away. you can maintain your intimacy even if you don’t have sex as frequently, they aren’t mutually exclusive.
here’s how to be intimate without having sex:
- close talk. i don’t mean exactly like the “close-talker” from seinfeld but i do mean a few things with this. first, sit close together. it’s hard to feel intimate when you are across the room from each other so pop-a-squat right next to one another. second, talk about things that bring you closer together. this works well starting off with questions like:
– what would you tell your 16 year old self about life?
– what has been one of the happiest days you’ve experienced?
– what attracted you to me initially?
– what’s one of your favorite things about me now?
– if you had $1 million bucks, on who and how would you spend it?
the point of these questions is to feel like you are sharing intimate information that brings you closer together. it brings warmth and familiarity between you two. they are not meant to turn you on (though sometimes that happens, especially if part of that $1 million includes a swimming pool of pudding. hey, i don’t know what you’re into).
sit close, get comfy and make lots of eye contact because that builds a deeper connection.
- try something new together. there is something about a new experience that brings people closer. of course you won’t experience the exact same thing as your partner because we are all equipped with different natural abilities and world-views but it does wonders for a relationship to try something new together. this might be learning how to make pots at a pottery class, trying out the new ping-pong bar in town or stand-up paddle-boarding! be careful if you go for renting a two-person kayak, this requires your relationship to be in a very stable spot on that specific day.this is a way to build new memories through a new experience together. chances are you both are not the best at it and if one of you turns out to be fantastic at it, the other should be highly impressed and more attracted to you!
- hand-holding to the max. yes, it’s sweet to hold hands but let’s take it to the max. oh, you’ve never heard of extreme-hand-holding? instead of passively holding hands, it involves taking action into your own hands (i can never resist the urge of a pun). trace your fingers along your partner’s finger, draw little pictures, spell out sweet notes, heck even give that hand of theirs some kisses! not only does this feel amazing to the recipient but it also brings you closer together. it may not seem like much, give it a few swirls on the hands and see!
- look at pictures together. my husband and i love to travel so we have quite a few pictures to look through from our pasts adventures. we also like to pull out photos (or bring them up online) from when we first started dating. little things in the photos will catch our eye and make us remember something funny that happened or spark conversation. this is always a great way to feel more connected when we reminisce about fun memories we have made together.
- massage (and only a massage). i know, massages can be tempting to lead to other things but make an agreement to give each other a massage and only a massage. it’s like the hand-holding one but this one should be done in the privacy of your own home. when was the last time you felt and appreciated your partner’s body? was was the last time this was done for you? the point of agreeing to keep it at a massage only is that it takes the pressure of feeling like you have to always have sex when you want to be intimate. more importantly, it drives up the desire to have one another. this is a great way to boost intimacy between you two, the wanting and desiring will bring you closer together.
intimacy can also ebb and flow, just like sex does but it is important for both of you to value feeling intimate through ways other than by only having sex. it does magical things for a relationship when you connect and get closer on a deeper, more emotional level!
what are ideas or things you have done to feel more intimacy with your partner?