Stress can be a total relationship & sex-drive killer. Though it’s not the first thing folx thing about when it comes to improving your sex life, it has an impact that goes beyond that of trying new sex positions, role play, fantasizing, and sex toys. That’s because most of what impacts your sex life long-term has nothing to do with sex at all. The end of the day is prime time for both increased stress and having sex. See how that could be a problem? We got you. Here’s how to connect emotionally with your partner at the end of the day–for more intimacy and hotter sex.
Read more: How to Deal with Stress in Your Relationship
For the best sex, context matters
How you’re feeling, where you are, the level of trust, & connectedness to your beau in that moment, etc all matter.
Take tickling. Think about a time when you felt loving towards your partner. Maybe you were lounging around on a Saturday afternoon sharing a blanket, and they started to tickle you. Laughing & giggling ensued, maybe more!
Now think about a time you felt stressed, tired, or just plain pissed off. Your beau goes to tickle you to make you smile and…how do you react? I’m going to go ahead and guess it ranges from not well to goddamn awful. Amiright?
If you think back to the best sex you’ve had, and then the worst, you’ll notice similar patterns.
Go ahead – close your eyes and remember it fully.
This is why you’ll hear us sex educators & therapists answer your question about sex drive with details about attachment style, the primitive vs developed brain, stress management, and more in response to a seemingly simple question like “How do I get turned on quickly?”
Create the right context: low stress, high affection, & explicitly erotic
For most people, this is the context in which they experience the best sex, strongest orgasm, and maximum pleasure. The key word here, of course, is most. If one (or more) of these doesn’t work for you, adapt the advice for your unique situation. Your sex life, your way.
Creating this context is easier said than done. You live a beautifully full life with your relationship, job, volunteering, self-care, social life, & more. You don’t necessarily have the time (or budget) to unwind with all those “expert” recommendations like a long hot bath, mani-pedi, and massage.
Of course, the question then becomes HOW. How can you incorporate context-making activities into your daily life, so they’re habits not one more thing on your ever-growing To-Do list? By connecting emotionally with your partner at the end of the day. Here’s how.
How to Connect Emotionally With Your Partner at the End of the Day
Ask better questions to have better conversation
You aren’t alone if you spend your evening hours glued to the TV or your phone. If your only conversation with your partner is a perfunctory, “How was your day?”. While scrolling is a valid form of relaxation and de-stressing, it doesn’t necessarily do much for your relationship.
Instead, carve out dedicated time to (re)connect at the end of your days. Rather than the bland “How was your day?” experiment with one of these sets of questions instead:
- What was the worst part of your day?
- What was the best part of your day?
- How did I show up for you today?
- How could I have supported you better today?
- What are you excited about for tomorrow?
- What are you worried about for tomorrow?
Questions like these allow you to share more intimately; support one another more deeply; and, go into detail about specific things that happened or will happen. They’re also much harder to brush off with the standard “fine.”
Look into their eyes
Eye-gazing—or as the beau and I like to all it: staring at each other—is a classic tantric practice. Spending a few minutes doing this causes your brain to release oxytocin aka the bonding hormone. In other words: extended eye contact = feeling more connected to each other. For best results, do it daily for 4 minutes. Yes, even when your annoyed at each other.
You can also practice this before sex or in the middle of an argument to help you get grounded and connected.
Use your strongest sense: smell
Use oils to destress and connect emotionally with your partner at the end of the day. They’ll work subconsciously to help yo unwind and let go of the frustrations of the day. We love this Sweet Oasis blend. It’s a super easy to have diffusing in the background while watching TV, talking about your days, or cuddling.
As the name suggests, this blend of Copaiba, Cedarwood, Lime, Lavender, and Balsam of Peru helps you let go of your day and feel more peaceful & serene. The scent is at once refreshing and calming. It make me dream of keylime pie with a dollop of freshly made vanilla whipped cream. MMMMMM.
For more on using essential oils for sex, stress relief, and everything in between check out our e-book.0,Passion by Kait Guide to Essential Oils for Sex
With a few simple swaps, you can easily connect emotionally with your partner
And, remember, the more you practice, the easier and more integrated this becomes.
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