How to Get Your Partner to Talk During Sex

Anonymous asks:

What are some ways to get your partner to talk to you during sex?

Hey Anonymous—

I don’t think you meant it like this, but the term “get” stuck out to me. We never want to “get” our partners to do anything.  Strong relationships rely on open communication like clearly stating your desires and needs, not convincing someone else to do what we want.

Assuming that’s what you meant, here are some ideas to help your partner open up during sex.

Get Clear on What You Want

The first step in asking for what you want is understanding it. Journal, meditate, or otherwise reflect on questions like these:

  • Why do you want them to talk to you during sex?
  • What will it mean if they do?
  • What does it mean if you don’t?

When you have a clearer understanding as to why you want something, it lets you anticipate and plan for unexpected Big Feels during the conversation with your partner.

Once you’ve done that, figure out what you want them to say to you during sex

Generally, there are three ways to talk during sex:

  1. Sexy Talk. I prefer the term “sexy talk” to “dirty talk” because I believe the words that we use influence our values. If we believe something is dirty, we perpetuate that shame within ourselves and our partner(s). Sexy talk includes things like describing what you want them to do to you (or vice versa).
  2. Sharing Fantasies is an amazing way to get turned on, connect more deeply with your beau(s), and even experience orgasm. This isn’t the same as role-playing, but it does involve talking through a scenario that excites one or both of you.
  3. Giving Feedback. Telling them what you like and what you’d like them to change. This is a skill set in itself! In the moment, stick to encouragement, whether that’s to continue (e.g. omg that feels so good, don’t stop!) or to return or start something new (e.g. it would feel amazing if you…).

Get the rest of the steps at Blood + Milk

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