Want to Increase Your Sexual Satisfaction? Stop Doing This

Recently I was asked, “How do you avoid comparing your sex life with others’ (especially friends’)?” I appreciated this question so much as someone who struggled with professional jealousy. Just like that impacted my enjoyment of PbK, so too can comparison steal your sexual satisfaction.

Several months back, I told my business strategist about my struggles. I’d recently unfollowed some colleague-friends on social media, whose feeds I’d find myself scrolling through, seething, at 1 am. My strategist suggested I read this Dear Sugar column, which she summed up by saying: “You just choose to stop.”

To increase your sexual satisfaction, stop comparing your sex life to others

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Kait if I could do that, I already would have!”

My first response to this advice was the same. I laughed and rolled my eyes. Then, a few days later I read the article…still rolling my eyes. But, a seed had been planted. Despite my resistance, whenever my green eyed monster roared, I’d remember the column and remind myself that I could choose differently.

Our thoughts can feel out of our control—until we notice them. That’s the first step. Spend a few weeks simply noticing when you compare your sex life to others’ and noting this down. I like doing it in the notes app on my phone. It may feel overwhelming at first, especially if you’ve spent some time batting down those thoughts instead of acknowledging them. Make sure you incorporate extra support such as friends who get it, a therapist, and/or more self-care time.

At the end of these few weeks, reflect on when and in what context these jealous thoughts popped up. Also think about how they impacted your sexual satisfaction.

Read more: Mindful Sex Techniques

Then, choose a different thought

Not radically different. The smallest shift. From “My sex life sucks” to “I have a sex life.” It might sound silly—and you may be mirroring my eye rolls from the past—but acknowledging what you have, lets you create more of it. Plus this slight change sets you up to succeed (aka get out of the comparison trap) whereas a major overhaul of your thoughts and actions sets you up to fail.

Let your jealousy guide you

When you find yourself comparing your sex lives to friends, ask yourself if you really want what they have. Just like sexual fantasies don’t always indicate something you want to try IRL, whatever you’re comparing might not actually be something you want.

If you’re busy trying to stop comparing your sex life to others, you’ll miss this opportunity to learn something about your desires.

Imperfections are perfect

Having a healthy relationship with your sex life (or your body or your work or…) isn’t about always loving it. It’s about feeling satisfied most of the time, catching yourself quickly when you fall into old habits, forgiving  yourself, and getting back to having the intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex life you crave.

For more sexual satisfaction, take charge of your sex life

After all, its the only one you have any say over!

When it comes to sex, there is no normal, only more or less common. That goes for fantasies, kinks, how often you have sex, sex positions, how many orgasms you experience, and everything else.

The only thing that matters is that you and your partner are sexually satisfied. Comparison can show you what you want or need to change, and it also lets you check in and say, “Hey, actually, I’m happy with how things are.”

The less you resist it, the less control it has—and the more wisdom you can gain.

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