When someone comes to me with a sex concern, most of the time the first question I ask is whether they’ve talked to their partner about it. Most of the time, the answer is no.
We sex educators and therapists are notorious for saying, “just talk about it!” Like in your favorite romance novels and rom coms, the conflict can often be avoided if you just talk about it. Unlike in those fantasies, your happily ever after isn’t guaranteed. You have to work for it.
Having Big Scary Talks is part of that work
Often it’s hardest to talk to about sex with the person you’re having it with. You’re worried about judgment, being laughed at, having different desires, what it means if you have different desires, if this will be the person who realizes you’re bananas and finally leaves…just to name a few concerns I’ve heard from my counseling clients!
Plus, there’s a lot of societal messaging wrapped up in these talks, about how a “good relationship” doesn’t need them and so on. That’s not true, but just knowing that doesn’t mitigate the anxiety.
So what can you do?