How to Communicate During Sex – 7 Ways to Ask for What You Want in Bed

This article on how to communicate what you want during sex is an excerpt from The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more CONFIDENCE, CONNECTION, and PLEASURE in the bedroom and beyond.  Click here to get your copy.

This article originally appeared on Blood + Milk.

Minouschka asks:

I’m fairly new to the sex game because I’m a late bloomer. One [guy] that I made out with wanted to mutually masturbate. I was fine with it because I wasn’t gonna have penetrative sex with him on the second date. At some point, I asked him to ejaculate on me, specifically the chest/stomach area. He asked if I was sure, and I confirmed. He was happy to do so, and cleaned me up afterwards.

I ask because this was the first time I asked a guy to do this, and it’s something I guessed would turn me on. (I was right.) I didn’t expect this guy to re-confirm or ask me if I was certain about my request, which makes me wonder, do most women (that you know) not do this??? And, although I’m taking a break from men for awhile, how do I bring this up the next time I’m being intimate with someone? ( I appreciated that the aforementioned guy double-checked with my request, but he did it in a way that made it seemed as if he was surprised by my ask. I low-key felt weird at that point but we proceeded. ) How do I bring this up with my future mate (whoever that is) without them possibly thinking I may be “weird”?

First of all—WAY TO GO honoring your boundaries, trying new things, and asking for what you want! This isn’t easy to do.

Secondly, learning how to communicate during sex is a skill most of us are never taught.

Wanting to be ejaculated on is a fairly common sexual desire 

A recent survey of 740 heterosexual individuals found nearly 50 percent of women choose their chest and abdomen as their preferred spot to being ejaculated on. The authors don’t tell us many details about the study design like how they recruited participants, so I can’t speak to the quality of their study.

Anecdotally, many people I know—including counseling clients, colleagues, and friends—enjoy being ejaculated on. A tiny survey on my own Twitter corroborated this: two-thirds of respondents said yes.

We all suck at talking about sex

As a society, we’re just starting to learn how to talk about sex in a way that affirms rather than pressures; that excites rather than ruins the moment.

Mainstream depictions suck. Romance novels feature emotionally intelligent heroes who expertly read body language. Sex ed resources can be overly scripted or full of jargon.

Maybe your directness surprised him in a good way a la “REALLY?! This thing I enjoy brings you pleasure too?!” Maybe he worried about you feeling pressured or obligated. Maybe he just didn’t hear your first answer.

Whatever the reason, I’m happy he confirmed your consent—and even happier you recognized that there have to be better ways for how to communicate during what you want during sex!

How to Communicate What You Want During Sex

Here are seven ideas to ask for what you want in bed, without feeling awkward or pressuring the other person.

1. Ask permission. Check in to see if they want to try something, like with the partner above.
2. Give guidance. Tell them what you want them to do. Direct them on the *ahem* finer positions angles that do it for you.
3. Express appreciation. Are they doing something you love? Was the whole experience ah-mazing? Let them know.
4. Ask if they like what you’re doing. A different form of #1 in to see if something feels good to them and/or if they want you to keep going.
5. Give positive suggestions. Encourage them towards what you want and need more of.
6. Talk dirty. Technically everything on this list counts as sexy talk; however, you also have tried and true name calling, pet names, expletives, and explicit requests here.
7. Tell them if something hurts or feels uncomfortable, or if you feel triggered. Let them know and pause (or stop) immediately to readjust, talk it out, or take time for self-care.

In the future, when it gets to that point, you can say something like, “It would be so hot if you came on my tits” or “I want to feel your cum on my stomach.”

You also can talk about it outside of the bedroom! Before things heat up, especially with a new partner, is a great time to go over things like your STD status, birth control, and sexual preferences, desires, and fantasies.

You and your desires are worthy

Before I close, I want to affirm that your desire isn’t weird and any partner who implies otherwise isn’t someone you shouldn’t be physically intimate with!

I also want to invite you to examine your worry. What belief—about sex, yourself, your body, etc—elicited this fear about being perceived as weird?

All the tips and tricks won’t make a difference until you address your feelings, and find acceptance and #freedominpleasure.

I don’t mean that you’ll never feel awkward or weird having sex, but that you’ll know beyond a doubt that your desires are valid and worthy. That you are valid and worthy. Then, when the awkward moments happen, you can more easily integrate them.

Lastly, remember that no two people are absolutely compatible.  Successful relationships don’t require you to have all the same desires and dislikes, but rather a willingness to share and explore. Whether it’s sex acts, food, or vacation destinations, you’ll run into situations where one of you likes it and the other doesn’t. At that point, you can decide: “is this a deal-breaker?” If so, maybe that isn’t the right relationship for you. If not, you may just need to try again.

Kait xo

Need help getting the conversation started?

In Conversation Starters for People Who Feel Awkward Talking about Sex, we share our top 11 opening lines so you can start having open, non-judgmental conversations about sex—plus a deeper connection and more intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex.