Lessons from Porn: 3 Steps to Overcoming Sexual Insecurities

As a straight woman In a longterm relationship, society tells me I’m supposed to hate porn.

Its supposed to makes me insecure, ruin my relationship, and, if the beau watches it, mean I’m not enough.

Luckily, absolutely none of this has to be true.

Porn is Just Another Sex Toy

Like vibrators, porn is another way to add excitement, variety, and adventure into your relationship. Maybe you have a fantasy you’d prefer to watch than act out or need inspiration for location, positions, or dirty talk. Porn, especially that of the female-friendly, sex-positive variety is an easy way to get all that. Sexpert tip: My favorite director by far is Erika Lust. Basically she produces art house films in which people happen to have sex. They’re beautifully shot, there’s no cheesy language or story-lines, and yes…they’re hot. Update June 2020: Due to allegations of assault on set, we no longer support Lust films. You can see our updated list of our favorite feminist porn sites here.

Porn Can Bring Up Sexual Insecurities

While porn isn’t the great relationship ruiner, it can bring up sexual insecurities about how you’re supposed to look and act during sex. The beautiful people, pretzel-esque sex positions, and amazing orgasms can get under anyone’s skin. The last time the beau and I attempted to watch something together, I got so freaked that we turned it off before it even began. As we chatted about it, I realized I had fallen into the trap that so many of us tend to: we compare ourselves, our bodies, and our perceived sexual abilities and end up making sex into a competition.

It’s not.

Sex is About Pleasure

Well pleasure, fun, connection, intimacy, and maybe even starting a family. It’s not about being able to balance in six inch heels with one leg propped up on the copier or turning yourself into a pretzel in order to try out the “like OMG best position evah!” It is hard to remember this sometimes though. And since you’re human, you’ve probably had your doubts and insecurities about all the things: how you look, whether you can do this sex act or that, and if you’re enough for your partner.

Leave Your Insecurities by the Wayside

The bad news: some of these thoughts and fears never completely disappear.

The good news: you don’t have to let them impact your sex life + relationship.

Here’s a secret: even folks with the best sex life and strongest relationships struggle with sexual insecurities sometimes. No one is immune from it but some have figured out ways to make them not matter or deal with them in the moment and move on to the sexy time. These tools are exactly what I share below.

Three Steps to Overcoming Your Sexual Insecurities

  1. Tell your partner. Yes I’m being serious…and yes I know you don’t want to. Do it anyway. By sharing your insecurities, you take away their power. Insecurities, like shame and fear, thrive in secrecy. Most of the time they don’t do so well when exposed because they can’t be backed up by facts. Plus, as soon as you share them, you’re sweetie will begin to tell and show you why they’re wrong. Which leads to step 2…
  2. Let your sweetie prove your fears wrong. Take a deep breath, honor yourself for having the courage to open up (*virtual high five!*), and allow what’s going to happen, happen. Let your beau kiss, lick, stroke, and appreciate all of you. Tune into how good everything feels.
  3. Get carried away in the moment. I promise, you won’t be thinking about your insecurities when orgasm hits. You might pull the covers up immediately after but what I’m talking about is the right now. Breathe deeply. Focus on the sensations. Count to 10. Throw yourself into showing your partner why you appreciate them. Talk dirty. Try a new position, preferably one that shows off your favorite body part. Do whatever you must to live in and enjoy the moment. Your insecurities aren’t disappearing forever, so for now do something different and focus on your pleasure.

Porn Sex Isn’t Real Sex

At the end of the day, porn can be amazing to inspire and arouse you. But most of the sex that happens, isn’t real. Think of porn like any other movie: there are hair and makeup artists, special effects directors, and so on, all designed to create this perfect sex world. Its meant to be a fantasy, one you enjoy and draw inspiration from. And in the case of porn…get you hot, bothered, and ready to go.

Your Partner in Passion,


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