Most people (with penises) think that there’s no such thing as “penis too big.” A recently from a reader emailed me this about her well-endowed partner says otherwise:
How do I better manage the fact that my partner has an huge dick? We’re both nervous about it and it’s impacting our sex life. ~Vickie R.
This isn’t the first time someone’s asked this. In fact, the women I work with are more likely to complain, “their penis is too big!” than about one that’s too small. This isn’t too surprising since vaginas are about 2-4 inches long and about double that (4-8 inches) when you’re turned on. No wonder it’s hard for many people with vulvas to take a bigger penis!
Bigger isn’t always better.
Despite the fact that people with them often worry if their penis is big enough, most partners could care less about size (or want something smaller). In fact, a recent study found that the main thing they care about is a penis’ overall appearance.
Its about the motion of the ocean…and overall appearance. | Women Don’t Care About Penis Length or Shape http://t.co/JQINQObkT0
— Kait Scalisi, MPH (@PassionbyKait) July 27, 2015
Everyone has a different definition of “penis too big.”
It might mean too long or too thick or both.
What’s too big for you might be just right for someone else.
Maybe you like a long penis but it can’t be too thick. Or vice versa.
Fact is: everyone is different in terms of what they like and what feels good and what’s too much. So forget about comparing notes with your bestie(s). If the size of his penis is making sex uncomfortable, it’s too big.
There are things you can do to make sex with a big penis more pleasurable.
If your partner is hung like a horse and it’s causing problems, you don’t have to just deal with it. Here are seven ways to make sex with a well-endowed partner more comfortable and fun.
- Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Most vulvas need 10-40 minutes to be fully turned on. This includes your vagina getting longer and wider (like mentioned above). Those extra inches are extra important if his penis is too big.
- Have your orgasm first. When you come, your body releases a bunch of feel-good chemicals. These help you feel satisfied and they relax your muscles, including those in and around your vagina. Being more relaxed then makes it easier to deal with his big one. Bonus: if you have lots of foreplay, this is much easier and more likely. And yes foreplay can include self-pleasuring before your honey gets home.
Struggle to orgasm? Click here for six steps to have the orgasm you desire. - Have him orgasm first. If your beau can get hard relatively quickly after ejaculating, have them come first. The second hard-on is always a little smaller. In fact, if you combine these first three steps, you can both get off before intercourse! Then you’ll more open and he’ll be smaller and it’ll be easier for everyone
- Work up to it. If you know his size is a problem, don’t expect to go straight to penetration. Instead, start smaller, say with one finger or a small vibrator or dildo. Add more fingers (maybe even try fisting!) or use bigger and bigger toys to warm the vagina up. Do this on your own or as part of foreplay. Psst…It’s quite hot for your partner to use a toy on you or watch you use the toy yourself.
- Choose positions where you’re in control. Doggy style and missionary might not be the best options when your lover is well hung. Your best bets are positions where you have more control of the penetration. Try gurl on top or spooning.
- Make lube your best friend. You two should be BFFLs. Not only does lube make everything feel better, it also makes the ride smoother. His big penis means you’re more likely to get small tears in your vag or booty. This hurts and it increases your risk of things like yeast infections, UTIs, and STDs. So invest in a good lube that doesn’t have glycerin or parabens. Women love Sliquid Organic and Uberlube. They’re long-lasting but not sticky or stinky.
- Use a buffer. This requires a little DIY project but is a great way for you both to get lots of pleasure. Get yourself a Tenga3D penis masturbation sleeve. Cut a hole in the closed end so it’s open on both sides. Lube him and the sleeve up. Slip it on and then fold it in half towards the base of his penis. VOILA! You don’t have to worry about him going in too far. HE still gets the feeling of being surrounded by something soft, wet, and warm. Everyone wins. Psst…this is also great for oral sex so it feels like you’re deep throating even if you aren’t.
Still have pain with sex? Check out my two-part series on painful sex.
You can enjoy sex with a big dick.
There’s going to be some trial and error. You’re going to have to talk and try new things and figure out what works for you. But with some communication, trust, and sexy exploration, you and your lovah will be well on your way to sexual satisfaction.
Want personalized tips to have a more intimate, exciting, & fulfilling sex life? Check out my Get Your Spark Back package. Because you deserve real sex tips for real life relationships.
My boy friend penis Is 8inches long and I enjoy it because I get on top and ride it you have to be in control . And you must have a lot of oral sex!! He licks my clit until I have so many orgasim . Then I sit on it and pentrate. How far I want to go down on it. Then you won’t have a problem.
Thank you for sharing! I love that you’ve found what brings you #freedominpleasure! xo
Great post, Kait! Thanks for sharing! A guy does not need to meet my perfect size in order to make things enjoyabIe. It’s all in how they use the tools they have. A full, hard and strong erection is a rarity nowadays, just start with this. So..happy everyone can get help for this (you can search google for ‘get365vcl’). The longer guys (over 6 inches) can be eager to show me how deep they can get, not thinking I may need more time to accept their length. I have only met one over 7 inches. It took a few times to get him to take his time, and I usually used a large dildo before he arrived just to loosen things up a little more, then had him use it, his fingers and oral before he plunged in.
Great tips – as a male, I’ve had many frustrating situations where women have said that “are bodies just aren’t compatible.” If sex happens early enough in the relationship, before things could get serious, it’s even been a deal-breaker!
I’ve already learned a few abovementioned tips, and learned to be comfortable being the “guy who brought his own lube.” As for finishing him first – in my case, that would backfire (I deal with delayed ejaculation as well, it often takes me even longer the next time). Since women’s pain from sex tends to be a function of not just size but also TIME (in addition to the factors you mentioned) it’s worth communicating with your partner – I usually ask for foreplay beforehand so I won’t take as long.
Thank you kait for the interesting tips. I am about to engage in a mainly sexual relationship with a man that I actually searched for. I am separated soon to be divorced and I have had several fantasies for quite some time that I want to act on for the most part. One was a to have a purely sexual relationship with a guy that fits the image of my fantasy. He is a big guy, very athletic physique, dark skinned and a very large penis. I know what girl doesn’t have that fantasy. He may be too big, I have never had a large penis before. His is 13 inches long, 8 inches in circumference, and yes, I have seen photos and a video of him and “it” and he and “it” are real. A couple of your suggestions are good when dealing with an exceptionally large man and I will use them. I am concerned about any issues I could have with my vagina should things heat up and I let him bury that big thing in me. I am way too embarrassed to go to my GYN with these questions. If you have any experience and can help me with my concerns I would greatly appreciate it. We are just going to meet casually for a few dates to see how things go so I have a little time. Thank you, Stephanie .
Hey Stephanie – thanks so much for sharing your story and congrats on manifesting your fantasy. The most important tips here would be lots of foreplay, lots of lube, and good communication. Hope you had a fun time and if you have more questions, feel free to book a free session here: https://calendly.com/passionbykait/sparksesh/ xo
I don’t represent the product or have any interest in the company that makes it, so I’m recommending to anyone with this concern or with an actual identified size mismatch “The Bumper”. You can do a google search, and include also the term “thrust buffer.” It’s basically a big doughnut shape of appropriate adult-toy material. It’s particularly useful for women who don’t like feeling like their longer/larger than average guy partner is banging their cervixes with each thrust. I’ve used it with good results, and my partner enjoyed it.
Yes! We <3 OhNut and have plans to update this post to reflect that love.
Oh man, I literally…was laying here this morning my first night after a 7?8? inch and i just am in groupchats asking people how they even take dicks this big regularly? I need an actual recovery period! I’m so sore that going to the bathroom hurts so I’m probably going to have to get to my OBGYN during the week just to make sure I’m only dealing with tears and not anything else. And that was with him going slow most of the time! And with us accidentally figuring out that it was barely manageable with me on top as opposed to every other position where I was just like “…wow, okay, I think this actually is hurting me?!”
Next time – lube. Rookie mistake to not have any! Next time – also research on what thrust buffers I can find. And prayer lol! Lots of that.
Sorry you had a less than ideal experience. Lube is a must – you can check out our favourites here: PbK Top Sex Toys. As for a bumper, we can’t recommend the OhNut enough: https://mysecretluxury.com/ohnut-wearable-for-painful-sex?aff=3 (you can use code KAIT to save 10%). Hope that helps!
I am 52 and have had an incredible sex life but due to injury and mind numbing meds have been abstinent for 12 years. I recently met a man who well .. Legends are made from. He is incredibly large. Both long and wide and my rather atrophic vagina will not accept this magnificence. He is very sensual and sexual and ensures that I reach orgasm over and over but I can not return the favour with penetration .. other ways definitely but i feel ashamed almost that he can not fit. I feel somewhat better after reading your article and your readers stories .. I have a new sense of encouragement and am excited to try a few of your recommendations that we have not yet explored as the sex part of our relationship is very new.
Ready to Ride
Thanks for sharing your story. Grateful this post offered both encouragement and some new recommendations.