Earlier this year, I shared my favorite day date – a simple and totally customizable template you can adapt no matter how much time you have or your budget. Today, I want to go a little more into why this template works to reconnect your relationship and a recent twist the beau and I gave it that you can totally steal. Warning: things are about to get a little geeky!
It’s normal for passion & connection to fade over time.
Early in a relationship, your brain pumps out a shit ton of dopamine every time you see or think about your new beau. Dopamine’s associated with pleasure. In high amounts, it makes you feel euphoric. Think: butterflies, racing heart, trouble sleeping and focusing, obsessing over your new beau, and wanting to go at it like rabbits.
As time goes on, your brain stops making as much dopamine. You get used to your beau being around. Just like the 10th bite of ice cream isn’t as dreamy as the first, so your typical date night starts feeling less exciting! You obsess a little less, focus a little more, and generally become a whole person again (seriously: early love is all consuming in the best possible way). Deep but gentle intimacy (and sometimes comfy relationship hell) replaces wild, fiery passion. This is absolutely normal. And also bothersome if you want to feel more passionately in love. Luckily there’s an easy fix:
If you want to reconnect your relationship, plan an everyday adventure.
Doing new things together gives you both a hit of dopamine. Your heart beats faster, you breathe more quickly, and you notice more – colors, scents, and sensations. All good things to be more mindful of for better sex!
Plus, dopamine triggers your body to release more testosterone, the hormone that fuels sexual desire in all genders.
You don’t need to plan a grand adventure to get that falling in love feeling. It has to be new to at least one of you, though it’s better if neither of you have tried it before.
Not sure what to do? Be a tourist in your own city.
I got this idea from the incredible Gretchen Rubin. She talks about it as a tool for overall happiness but it’s also fantastic for increasing your relationship satisfaction!
It’s so easy to take wherever you live for granted. Like with your relationship, you get into your rhythm and increasingly rely on your go-tos. You have your favorite takeout place, watering hole, and activities. You might even wonder, why try something new and risk not liking it?! Kind of like with sex…
Tourists, on the other hand, are curious & adventuresome (and at times annoying!) in your city. They research in advance and notice all the things as they wander around. Before and during the trip, they ask, “what else?”
The good news: you can do this too! Grab a guidebook, do some googling, and ask yourself, “what else can I see here?” Not only is it fun – you never know what you’ll discover! – it’s also the perfect everyday adventure.
Our Everyday Adventure at the Pratt Institute
A few weeks back, after the beau returned from nearly 5 weeks of continuous travel, he and I schlepped out to Brooklyn for Vegan Shop-Up, a monthly all vegan pop-up market that we go to a few times a year. It had been a really rough morning for me health-wise. I was feeling super tender and while the vegan goodies helped, I wasn’t ready to go home. I needed to see something beautiful.
After expressing this, the beau mentioned that we were near the Pratt Institute, a university “dedicated to preparing its 4,600 undergraduate and graduate students for successful careers in art, design, architecture, information and library science, and liberal arts and sciences.” It’s also home to an award-winning Sculpture Park, We hopped on a bus and wandered over and holy shit. SO beautiful and inspiring and soul-tending.
Eventually my body said, “hey girl – time to go” and we meandered back to the subway and both promptly fell into a trance-like, not awake but not asleep state (the rocking of the subway is so soothing) the entire ride home.
Once again: my favorite day date for the win!
Everything you do (or don’t) affects your relationship – so choose things that improve it!
These last few weeks we’ve talked a lot about how the things that most impact your sex life often have nothing to do with sex. This is another great example – trying something new together helps reconnect your relationship by giving you a hit of dopamine and testosterone and all the yummy connected feels. Give it a try (well, 3-5 tries!) and see if you don’t feel a bit more in the mood when you’re done.
In the comments below, tell me: what do you want your next everyday adventure to be?