A few months back I was on a #SexTalkTuesday Twitter chat when I noticed my favorite sex toy reviewer, Emmeline Peaches was there too. *cue giddyness* When she started dropping some serious knowledge about how to share a sex fantasy, I totally knew you needed to meet her!
Emmeline is a queer female who loves to write about sex and review adult products (no wonder we get along!). Her early sexual experiences led to the discovery that she suffered from vaginismus. Undeterred, she took to her local sex store and started informing herself about the wonderful world of adult products. With time, determination, and a bullet vibe, Emmeline overcame her condition…and gained an unyielding love for sex toys. As a result, she founded Emmeline Peaches Reviews where she shares honest and extensive sex toy reviews (and fun stories about her sexy adventures with Mr. Peaches). The best part? In addition to telling you her experience with the toy, she recommends who each toy is and isn’t good for and why. That info is invaluable if you haven’t seen or touched the toy IRL!
If you couldn’t tell, I have a total girl crush on Emmeline and her reviews. But today she shares something a little different: why it’s so important to share your sex fantasy with your partner and how to do just that. I love what Emmeline has to say about communication and how talking to your partner about sex can increase intimacy in the bedroom and out. This is a skill that takes time and courage but that it ultimately brings you closer together and makes your sex life that much more satisfying and exciting.
I also appreciate Emmeline’s raw honesty about her journey to a place where she easily shares her desires with Mr. Peaches. As you’ll see, she had many of the same reservations that you do: fear of being abnormal, of ridiculed and judged by your partner, of the fantasy driving a wedge in your relationship. But there also was the frustration of not sharing and the problems that caused.
My favorite part is that her journey is totally unique to her and her relationship. It naturally grew out of something she and the mister were already doing, something I actually had to look up because I wasn’t familiar with it! If there’s one great takeaway here its that your relationship should work for you and your sweetie and no one else. And that includes how you go about having more intimacy, adventure, and satisfaction.
Check out what Emmeline has to say about sharing your sex fantasies and if you still have questions, drop me a line so we can chat it out. xo
Why is it important to share our desires & fantasies with our partner?
Really it comes right down to the fundamentals. At the heart of every good relationship is communication and trust. You should always feel like you can open up to your partner and vice versa. Of course this is easier said than done, especially when sexual fantasies or potentially ‘taboo’ desires are involved.
It’s easy for a person to feel like it’s better to keep things to themselves; bottle up their fantasies and resign themselves to never seeing their desires realized. However all this does is cause a rift between the people in the relationship. One feels frustrated that they can’t truly be themselves, while the other is often aware that there is something they’re not being told and feels a distance because of it.
Open up, on the other hand, and you often get the polar opposite.
Sharing sexual fantasies with your partner allows you to take another step towards being more open in other aspects of your life. Doing so can also help your partner feel more included and trusted. The whole thing can actually be very therapeutic and certainly has the potential to bring you closer together. It’s definitely a great confidence booster.
And, of course, you then get the bonus of seeing your fantasy realized; which is another very intimate and affirming experience for both of you.
In short sharing fantasies brings partners closer together. What more could you want?
Why is it so difficult and uncomfortable to do this?
As I mentioned above, there can often be a lot of fear associated with fantasies. Some people think it makes them abnormal or undeserving of their partner’s affection. Others are worried about being ridiculed or losing the one they love.
No one wants to be judged in a harsh light, especially not over something so personal and definitely not by the one they care about the most. Opening up can be a terrifying concept and it does hold people back. It certainly held me back at first.
You say that you’re now really comfortable doing this. Can you tell us a little about your journey?
Certainly! My partner and I are actually in to table top role-playing games (something he introduced me to) so we were already pretty comfortable with the idea of getting ‘in character’ and playing certain roles.
After a while we decided to test game ideas between one another or role-play one-on-one scenes alone together. It started innocently enough at first but we soon realized that it was a way for us to weave our own tales and explore our romance in new and exciting ways.
I remember once we did a whole scene in an actual bar while on holiday. It was just like something out of a movie. The thrill was amazing. Eventually we went back to our hotel room and continued our pursuits in the bedroom. I still remember it vividly to this day.
As time went on I started becoming bolder when it came to deciding where the story went. I introduced themes that I personally found attractive and was happy to find that they were well-received. Once we had played through the scenarios in-character it was just another step to bring them up out of character. Still, that didn’t make it an easy one.
I remember how nervous I was when I first decided I would make my personal preferences crystal clear to Mr. Peaches. My heart was racing like a marathon runner.
Still, the actual conversation was very casual. Basically I asked him if he enjoyed what we’d been doing and, when he agreed, I responded that I liked certain parts in particular and described them. It surprised him at first and I don’t know that he was entirely sure of how to react, but he handled it well.
My personal fantasies aren’t fulfilled all the time in our little games but I make it clear when I’ve got an itch that needs scratching. In those instances Mr. Peaches is more than happy to oblige and I couldn’t be more delighted. Nowadays he also feels empowered knowing that he can effortlessly turn me on simply by initiating certain scenarios. It’s a win-win and it brings us closer together.
What are some steps you took to feel comfortable sharing your sex fantasies and desires?
Really it was a case of taking things at my own pace, while also working up the nerve to confess.
I knew that Mr. Peaches adored me and that our relationship would be stronger for it, but that doesn’t always stop the nerves.
Still, we had a jumping off point and I felt calmer because I could guide the conversation on from there.
Making sure you’re in a safe space, both physically and mentally, is essential in my opinion. Confessing your fantasies from a position of anger or frustration is unlikely to yield positive results.
If you were chatting with someone who really wanted to talk to their sweetie but was scared to, what’s the #1 piece of advice you would give them?
Approach the situation in the manner that best works for you.
For some people this will mean having a good sense of humour and a lighthearted air about them. For others it will mean taking the time to sit your partner down and have a serious discussion with them. If you want to have a topic at hand to help mediate the conversation that can be handy, but it isn’t always necessary.
No matter what do what makes you feel secure and confident in the situation.
Anything else we need to know about this necessary-but-difficult (and ultimately rewarding!) conversation?
I suppose the greatest thing about divulging your deepest desires is that it isn’t always a one-way street. Sometimes your decision to speak up might prompt your partner to do the same. Other times in fulfilling your fantasies your partner finds that they also have a strong attraction to it. By opening up you’re essentially making it clear that your relationship is one of trust and open-mindedness which can lead to all sorts of sexual discoveries along the way. If you’re thinking of having that convo soon then I wish you all the best on the journey ahead; I’m sure it will be full of surprises!