Here’s something that won’t shock you at all: I’m not exactly shy, especially when it comes to talking about sex. Like everyone, I have my boundaries but generally speaking I am willing to talk and learn about as many aspects of sex and pleasure that I can.
While this is true for me, I certainly know that not everyone is like me. In fact, one of the most common things I hear from my clients is, “But I’m not like you!” and “I could never do this!”
So what’s someone who’s not like me to do? What if the thought of speaking up during sex, of masturbating, of fantasizing, of talking about it with your girlfriends never mind your partner terrifies you? Or makes you giggle and blush and just generally go to pieces? Or feel ashamed? Guilty? Generally bad?
Well hold on because I’ve got four steps to help you breakthrough and get all the satisfaction, pleasure, and passion you deserve. Because yes…you deserve it.
The Shy Person’s Guide to Sexual Satisfaction
1) Think. Give yourself permission to think about sex more. Seriously, write “It’s ok!” on a sticky note to act as your own little reminder. This one little step makes a huge difference because the brain is our biggest sex organ.
2) Look. In other words, read about sex. You can start with sexy stories (aka erotica) or educational resources (like GetLusty and my Facebook and Twitter). Know this might feel uncomfortable at first. That’s ok! Start with what feels good and slowly push out of your comfort zone.
3) Talk. Find someone you can chat about sex with. Maybe its your partner or bestie or a health educator or random stranger. Everyone is different! Not sure where to begin? Share your discomfort, start with a question, or do some combination of both. Here’s an example: “You know, I feel a little silly talking about this but I recently read about/experienced this sex thing and I wonder if you’ve ever had it happen to you.” <–Note: that “sex thing” can totally just be something you’re interested in. Its our little secret. 😉
4) Act. Let’s bring it all together. You primed your mind, found answers, and started talking. Now its time to do something about it! Start with yourself and begin to self love once or twice a week. This lets you figure out what brings you the most pleasure, and that includes learning what things you do and do not like.
4a) Bonus step for my partnered folks. Once you know what you like, its time to start asking for it with your partner. You can do this nonverbally but speaking up is best. Again, start where you’re comfortable! Give an extra moan when your partner hits that spot. Hold their hand or head when they do just what you like. Tell them that it feels good. Reposition them if it doesn’t. If you are feeling extra brave, show them what you like by guiding their hands as they touch you or letting them watch you. Tell them in no uncertain terms exactly what you want them to do to you or what you plan on doing to them.
The best part about these steps is that there is no timeline! Start where you’re at and move back and forth as you want and need.
Know someone who’s shy about sex? Be sure to share this post. They’ll thank you and so will I.