As I stepped onto the elevator, a male voice asked, “Do you have a puppy in that bag?!” “No” I replied, “Sex toys. I just taught a foreplay workshop for a bachelorette party!” His response: “Foreplay – what’s that?”
He and his wife started laughing, and I joined in. It was a knee jerk response (thanks internalized patriarchy). By the time I got home, though, I was thoroughly enraged.
Foreplay isn’t just the turn on before you get it on – it’s vital for the safest, most pleasurable sex.
It’s not a fucking joke. It’s not something only women need. It’s not an afterthought. At least it shouldn’t be.
Yet over and over again I hear questions like:
- How do I get my boyfriend to spend more time on foreplay?
- I need more time to get in the mood but he always seems to be that way. How can I get turned on faster?
- My husband always goes straights for my [boobs/butt/clit/pussy]. How can I get him to break that habit?
I use gendered language here purposely – because this is how people ask the question. That’s not to say this doesn’t occur among folks of all genders and sexualities. It can and it does.
I love answering these Qs. It also makes me equal parts depressed and royally pissed off.
So this post is for those of you who feel like your beau just won’t slow the fuck down. If they’re someone who needs evidence from a sexpert – here it is! And if you ever felt bad about about needing foreplay – this is your proof that you are not alone and you are normal.
15 Reasons to Slow Down & Savor Foreplay
- Foreplay is fun! Kissing, stroking, nipping, nibbling, scratching, spanking, sucking, licking…YUM.
- There’s so much of it. If you think of foreplay is everything but intercourse – that’s a whole lot of sexy, fun, feel good activities! Flirting, making out, handjobs (for you or them), oral sex, sensation play – the list goes on and on!
- Experiencing orgasm during foreplay lets you enjoy other, deeper forms of penetration. Think: cervical orgasms and/or anal penetration.
- It’s a fantastic alternative to intercourse. Have tight schedules? Tired but kind of horny? Feel like intercourse just takes too damn long? Try mutual masturbation or other foreplay. It’s a busy person’s answer to “how do we make time to have sex?”
- It helps you get out of your head and into your body.
- The physical changes you experience during foreplay – lubrication, vaginal tenting – prep your body for intercourse. That’s not to say intercourse must be the end goal! However, if you want to, having intercourse without foreplay increases your likelihood of experiencing pain and/or getting small tears in your vagina or anus, which increase your risk of infections like yeast and urinary tract. In other words: foreplay without intercourse is great but intercourse without foreplay is risky.
- People with vulvas are significantly more likely to experience orgasm from foreplay.
- Your desire comes after sexy things start to happen. Therefore, without foreplay you’d never be in your mood. Pretty sure your honey wants you to want it!
- You can discover things about each other’s bodies you didn’t know and learn new ways to please each other.
- It helps you feel connected to your partner. That old adage that men need sex to feel intimate and women need intimacy to feel sexy? It’s not true for everyone but for lots of people! Foreplay is the thing that helps it happen.
- It helps you transition from the stresses of your day to sexy times.
- It’s easy to enhance. No double joints needed! Add flavored lube to oral sex. Use a paddle or flogger (this one is my fave) instead of a hand for spanking. Use silicone lube to make handjobs, titty fucking, and even blow jobs more slippery & sensational.
- It’s a great time to explore. Use foreplay to ask (and answer), “What else feels good?“
- Foreplay can last all day without tiring you out! Start in the am by spending extra time pampering your body (eg shave, spend extra time putting lotion on) or putting on the panties that make you feel the hottest. Give your honey an extra long hug and kiss goodbye. Read a steamy novel on your commute or lunch break. Sext them that you can’t wait to see them later. Put a drop or two of arousal oil on when you leave work or right when you get home. Have a deep intellectual conversation over dinner. Do whatever it is that turns you on – we’re all different and there’s no right or wrong answer!
- Extending foreplay can rev up your arousal and your likelihood of having an orgasm.
That doesn’t mean it has to be tons of work, though at first it may feel that way if you aren’t used to it. It also doesn’t take away the spontaneity – you can have surprises within something planned. Maybe you bought new lingerie or changed up your sexting game or surprise them with that very warm hello when you’re both back home together.
Regardless, I hope to never hear “Foreplay, what’s that?” ever again. Will you join me?
Looking to spice up your Foreplay game? Click here to book an in-person or virtual foreplay workshop.