A few weeks back I gave you three tips to reclaim your pleasure and get the good-feeling sex you deserve. Today I want to continue that conversation and talk a little bit about the psychological side of things. We’re going to get a bit deeper than normal here folks so strap
I am not a licensed medical professional. The advice given on this blog is intended for educational purposes only. Please consult with your doctor before beginning any treatments.
Now that that’s out of the way…let’s talk about our brains for a bit. As many of you know, I’m a total science geek. In fact, I’m a neuroscience geek. So here goes…
Women’s and men’s brains work differently. I know, you’re shocked. 😉 In short, we women have more of connective tissue in the brain than men do. This is what allows us to be more effective multi-taskers (sorry guys). However, it’s also the reason why monkey mind can be such a pleasure-kill in the bedroom. Boo!
Now, I’ve given you some tactics for dealing with brain chatter in the past. Today I want to focus on a something that goes a bit deeper: a condition called vaginismus.
According to Medline Plus, vaginismus is “an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina. The spasms close the vagina.” <–side note, Medline is the only thing I trust for looking up medical conditions. I highly suggest jumping on this bandwagon.
Maybe you’ve never experienced pleasurable sex. Maybe even the thought of penetration (by a penis, tampon, sex toy, etc) causes you to tighten up. Maybe intimate situations push you into a maelstrom of anxiety. Regardless, sex hurts and you don’t want it (to).
So what do you do? Well, treatment is both physical and psychological in nature. Vaginismus isn’t very well understood and sometimes no cause can be found. Other times, it can be linked to past abuse, to other psychological diagnoses, or to a history of painful sex. Regardless, this is one of those times where it is vital to take care of body, mind, and spirit.
Here are the first four steps you can take to begin busting through psychological (and associated physical) barriers to pleasure. <–can I get an AMEN for that?
- Talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying physical conditions. I highly recommend reading this article which goes into more detail about the role estrogen decline plays in painful sex. The body is all connected folks…this is just one other example of that.
- Talk to your doctor (preferably in the same appointment) about comprehensive treatment. In the above article, Jane offers up treatment ideas that include using dildos and dilators to strengthen the vaginal opening, oils to hydrate and strenth the vulvar skin, and estrogen to keep the vaginal lining supple. Something like the Velvet Ripple, which is only 1 inch around, is a good starter toy.
- Find a sex coach (that’s me!) or therapist to delve into underlying psychosocial factors. This may be something acute (e.g. rape, an awful first time), chronic (e.g. abuse, deeper issues in your relationship), or other (e.g. any number of psychological disorders). You and the coach/therapist will work together to explore and tackle these underlying causes. What’s the biggest difference between the two? Training and the fact that coaches are allowed to use hands-on techniques if the situation calls for it AND the client agrees.
- Have patience and advocate for your pleasure. Your doc might tell you nothing is wrong. Or blame your relationship. Or give you some other cockamammy BS. But guess what? Said doc doesn’t live in your body. You do. If someone dismisses you, keep looking. You deserve to have the life and pleasure you want.
Whew! I know that this was a bit of a heavy post but I hope that is also gave anyone suffering out there some hope. You do not have to “just deal with” painful sex. You aren’t crazy and more likely than not, your relationship isn’t in shambles.
As you may or may not know, you are eligible to receive acomplimentary 15 minute DIVA session (a $50 value) just for being part of my community. Let’s work together to say goodbye to painful sex and hello pleasure.
Your Partner in Passion,
2 thoughts on “Taking Back Pleasure: When sex hurts and what to do about it (Part 2)”
Thank you for this I’m a guy who is pretty well endowed and no one seems to care about our feelings about this issue. In the past the girls I was with always decided the whole relationship based on this issue. I was either a sex toy, a first try basis, or friend zone. Girls don’t know but for guys this is not only insulting but really discouraging. I want to make love to a girl who truly enjoys it, I don’t want to be a sex toy, and just like girls guys honestly just want to love and be loved. I’m just admitting it now because I could care less what people think, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not willing to learn how to fix it. For men this is actually a huge problem, I know there are guys who feel like they can’t be in a relationship because of their size, and because this society is so obsessed with separating sexes, men get the short end of the stick even though sex deals primarily in human emotion. Even though it’s sad I had to sneak in a ladies blog, thank you because for the first time I have some pointers on how to make sex enjoyable for my lady. Do me a favor a reach out to guys too. There’s a lot of men suffering out there, and believe it of not, they are the ones who aren’t players or cheaters. They’re usually the guys who “finish last” and for them honor and respect are paramount in loving their significant others. THANKS AGAIN.