Let’s Talk About Sex: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

Let's Talk About Sex: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

You feel comfortable talking to your partner(s) about a lot of things. Finances, work stress, family drama, big feels—you name it. But when it comes to talking about sex? You feel embarrassed and don’t know where to start.

It’s hard to talk about sex.

It’s not something most of us were taught to do. Plus, because of The Sex Myth, this conversation feels more difficult and awkward than most. Even for us sex educators!

When I read My Life on the Swingset, I identified with some many of the author’s experiences, lessons, and realizations. During these juicy discoveries, I wondered if my beau experienced similar thoughts and feelings. When I eventually blurted out my question, I stumbled over my words and rambled a lot. He felt awkward and taken off-guard (we were walking out of the subway with 100 other people so you know…don’t do that).

Reading about sex makes it easier to talk about

Books and articles inspire new ideas. They give you an opening play in having this difficult conversation. They bridge the gap between “I want to talk about sex” and “I don’t know how to start!”

Try this to start talking about sex

I read about [sexy thing] What do you think about that?

It’s Simple. Direct. Plus, it gives some context and invites the other person into the conversation with you. All of this sets you up for a fabulous conversation.

This technique only has two rules:

  1. Use your own words. Talk however you’d talk to them about the chores, dinner, or finances. Use your own pet names and adjust the question as needed.
  2. Avoid yes/no questions like, “Do you want to try it?” Nothing shuts down a convo and leaves you feeling raw + vulnerable faster than a yes or no followed by silence.

Here are a few more examples:

  • I read this really interesting article about anal sex. What do you think about anal?
  • So in this book I’m reading, she talks about how women and men tend get turned on differently. A lot of it rang true to me. How do you feel about talking more about it?
  • Susie shared this article about the g-spot and apparently there are five different ways to stimulate it. How do you feel about trying each one out together?
  • OMG just saw this article about fantasies. I love the idea about sharing them with each other. What do you think?!

When it’s done, you’ll feel so relieved

The conversation probably not go perfectly at first. You might pull a me and choose the wrong time or maybe you’ll stumble over your words. Ultimately, though talking about sex has only positive impacts: more intimacy, openness, and exploration.

In the story above, despite my word vomit + initial awkwardness, the beau and I had a fabulous discussion. We learned so much about how the other person thinks about sex. Plus, that convo set the stage for future chats inspired by something one of us reads. I now send him articles about sex, feminism, intersectionality, emotional labour—you name it!—pretty regularly, highlighting the parts that stick out to me the most.

Having “the talk” is worth it

No matter how difficult it feels at first, you and your partner will learn so much about your relationship and each other.

Crave additional support talking about sex (and other Big Scary Topics)?

We combined the best evidence-based tools, practices, and techniques into The Sexy Conversation Starter Kit. This is a practical + accessible guide to help make all your Big Scary Talks easier—whether you want to introduce kink into a “normal” sexual relationship; get your lover to stop doing their signature move that just doesn’t work for you; discover your desires and communicate them; or, something else entirely.

Click here to learn more + grab your copy.

20 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

    1. Hi Lori- thanks so much! I’ve found that sometimes all you or your sweetie need is some time to think about things. Also I should take my own advice and take time to think before speaking too.

      Glad you liked the article. 🙂

  1. Declaring things a judgement free zone. So you know that if you don’t quite articulate something right away, you get the chance to figure out how to.

    It is tough, though. But worth it.

    1. Definitely tough (and definitely worth it). Especially if the thing said hits your judgment sensors. It’s just as much inner work as relationship work.

  2. I recently wanted more diversity in me and my partner’s sex positions. But I was so nervous to bring it up! I was worried about what HE’D be worried about. I was afraid he’d think I found our sex stale or boring or something, but he was instead very open and enthusiastic! I think often times, we picture the worst case scenario for these kinds of discussions. We must remember our partners love us and probably want the same thing 🙂

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