A Simple Technique to Help You Start Talking to Your Partner About Sex

This article on a simple technique to help you start talking to your partner about sex, is an excerpt from The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more CONFIDENCE, CONNECTION, and PLEASURE in the bedroom and beyond.  Click here to get your copy.

One of the first questions I ask when someone shares a sex or intimacy-related concern with me is whether they’ve talked about it with their partner. Most of the time, that answer is no. In fact, most of the time I’m the first and only person with whom they’ve shared their struggle!

Here’s the catch though: they talk to their partner about everything else. Money, work stress, family drama, even big feels. But when it comes to sex? They don’t know where to start. They feel feel embarrassed, they’re afraid of being judged or rejected, and they’re frustrated AF because they’re adults—shouldn’t they just know how to do this?!

Well, no. Not only are we never taught how to talk about sex but also because of The Sex Myth, this conversation feels more difficult and awkward than most. Yes, even for us sex educators.

Sound familiar?

If so, read on for my favorite hack to start talking to your partner about sex.

Try this to start talking to your partner about sex

I read about [sexy thing]. What do you think about that?

Why This Works

Let’s break it down!

  • It’s simple. There are two sentences: the statement to identify what’s on your mind and your question.
  • It’s direct. It gets right to the point by saying “here’s x, lets talk about it.
  • It gives context. You aren’t just saying “oh [sex topic]!!!” You’re saying “here’s why this topic is on my mind.”
  • It gives you an out. If you’re feeling particularly vulnerable, the inspiration to talk came from an external source.
  • It’s inviting. It draws the other person in to have a conversation with you.

Two Rules for Using This Technique to Start Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Beyond the statement itself, there are two rules to using this technique:

  1. Use your own words. Talk however you’d talk to them about the chores, dinner, or finances. Use your own pet names and adjust the question as needed.
  2. Avoid yes/no questions like, “Do you want to try it?” Nothing shuts down a convo and leaves you feeling raw + vulnerable faster than a “Yes…” or “No…” followed by silence

Use this technique to talk about any sex topic on your mind

Struggling with pelvic pain or other reproductive health issues like urinary incontinence, UTIs, fibroids, or endometriosis?

Stuck in a rut and want to be more adventurous and fun with sex?

Struggling to experience orgasm during partner sex, to your liking, or at all?

You can use this technique with any—all!—of these. Plus, any other sex idea, issue, or question on your mind.

Here are some examples of using this technique to start talking about sex:

  • I read this really interesting article about anal sex. What do you think about anal?
  • So, in this book I’m reading, she talks about how women and men tend get turned on differently. A lot of it rang true to me. How do you feel about talking more about it?
  • Susie shared this article about the g-spot and apparently there are five different ways to stimulate it. How do you feel about trying each one out together?
  • OMG just saw this article about fantasies. I love the idea about sharing them with each other. What do you think?!
  • On the subway/at the store, I overhead some folx talking about how they deepened their connection with each other. How would you feel about sharing some ideas to do that?

Choose the right time to use this technique to Start Talking About Sex

Picture this:

You just read this mindset-shifting book about sex. You identify with some many of the author’s experiences, lessons, and realizations. You start to wonder if your beau experiences similar thoughts and feelings. During the ride/walk/drive home, you turn them over and over in your mind. Suddenly—you blurt out a question! You stumble over your words and ramble. Your partner feels awkward and taken off guard. The conversations ends abruptly.

That was how I introduced the concept of ethical non-monogamy to my partner many years ago. We were walking out of the subway with about 100 other people and, well, let’s just say I’m not a particularly quiet talker.

Needless to say: be a bit more intentional with when you introduce this topic. In public might not be the best spot BUT in a car, while hiking, or anytime you’re side-by-side can help ease the tension.

When it’s done, you’ll feel so relieved

The conversation probably not go perfectly at first. You might pull a me and choose the wrong time or maybe you’ll stumble over your words. Ultimately, though talking about sex has only positive impacts: more intimacy, openness, and exploration.

In the story above, despite my word vomit + initial awkwardness, the beau and I had a fabulous discussion. We learned so much about how the other person thinks about sex. Plus, that convo set the stage for future chats inspired by something one of us reads. I now send him articles about sex, feminism, intersectionality, emotional labour—you name it!—pretty regularly, highlighting the parts that stick out to me the most.

Having “the talk” is worth it

No matter how difficult it feels at first, you and your partner will learn so much about your relationship and each other.

Crave additional support talking about sex (and other vulnerable topics)?

Introducing: The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools, prompts, movement practices, and meditations that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more confidence, connection, and pleasure in the bedroom and beyond.

Click here to learn more + grab your copy

25 thoughts on “A Simple Technique to Help You Start Talking to Your Partner About Sex

    1. Hi Lori- thanks so much! I’ve found that sometimes all you or your sweetie need is some time to think about things. Also I should take my own advice and take time to think before speaking too.

      Glad you liked the article. 🙂

  1. Declaring things a judgement free zone. So you know that if you don’t quite articulate something right away, you get the chance to figure out how to.

    It is tough, though. But worth it.

    1. Definitely tough (and definitely worth it). Especially if the thing said hits your judgment sensors. It’s just as much inner work as relationship work.

  2. I recently wanted more diversity in me and my partner’s sex positions. But I was so nervous to bring it up! I was worried about what HE’D be worried about. I was afraid he’d think I found our sex stale or boring or something, but he was instead very open and enthusiastic! I think often times, we picture the worst case scenario for these kinds of discussions. We must remember our partners love us and probably want the same thing 🙂

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