When it comes to keeping the spark alive, mixing it up and trying something new in bed is key. But let’s be real – that’s a helluva lot easier said than done. That’s why we was so excited to receive Victoria’s question:
What if I ask him to do something and he doesn’t like it?
Here’s the most important things you need to know when you try something new in bed.
Its going to happen
It can be helpful to expect that one of you won’t like something new you try in bed. While you may still feel disappointment when this happens, you won’t be beleaguered by shock. This allows you to pivot and figure out a new plan more quickly.
It also allows you to do some planning in advance for how to tend yourself when this happens.
You already know how to handle this scenario
If you think about, this happens all the time in your relationship. You favour Italian, they prefer Indian. You love wine, they love beer. You like to stay home on a Friday night and they like to go party it up.
This is good news because it means you’re already a pro at navigating this circumstance.
However, because of the sex myth, many of us place sex on a pedestal. Issues in the bedroom feel bigger, scarier, and more intimidating than issues elsewhere in our relationship (except for, maybe, money). Plus, we tend not to talk about sex with friends. So when issues pop up, you’re less likely to understand wehter they’re really problems or a totally normal.
Knowing why they didn’t like it helps you find a path forward
Yes, this is the part where we tell you to talk to your partner(s) about sex.
Did it trigger your partner(s)? Stop, check in to see what they need—cuddles, alone time, a good cry, a primal scream, etc—and honour their needs. At a later time, talk about whether it’s something you want to try again.
Did it not feel good? Was it awkward? Did it feel forced or just kind of meh? Consider trying again, with their permission of course.
Whenever you try something new in bed don’t dismiss it after one less-than-pleasurable experience
Think about the first time you tried new choreography, a new recipe, or learning a hand craft. The first time you focus on figuring out the logistics. What are the steps? How do you hold the knitting needles? What are the directions?
Over time, your focus shifts from logistics to technique, technique to flair, flair to fun!
The same goes when you try something new in bed
Let’s say you want to explore doggy style.
- The first time you worry about how to lay down, being comfortable and if you’re doing it “right.”
- The next few times are refining how you do it and what feels best for you and your partner(s). How high do you like your hips? Do you prefer it on all fours, belly down and ass up, against the wall? And so on.
- After half a dozen tries though, you have a good sense of whether the position is good for you and your partner(s), what tweaks you enjoy the most, how you like to switch it up…or if you should ditch it all together.
Read more: 8 Tips to Make Doggy Style Sex Hotter
Make it easy to try again
Because even if you know you need to try again, it isn’t always the easiest thing to do.
- Talk about what felt good and what didn’t. Do you have ideas to make it more pleasurable? Try them. If not, do some research. Hint: you’re in a pretty good place to learn more about a variety of sex acts and positions.
- Set a timer to focus on just that activity. When time’s up, check in, see if you want to continue, and proceed…or don’t.
- Focus on pleasure, not orgasms. I’m all about fabulous orgasms but not everything you do in the bedroom has to lead to the big O. The journey and the outcome should feel good – because the WHOLE point is to feel good. So focus more on how it felt rather than if it led to a happy ending.
Trying something new in the bedroom doesn’t have to be super intimidating or overwhelming
Knowing that you’ll disagree at some point helps take the pressure off. And knowing what to do when that happens means you can focus more on playing and less on getting it “right.”