When it comes to keeping the spark alive, trying new things and mixing it up is key. But let’s be real – that’s a helluva lot easier said then done. That’s why I was so excited to receive Victoria’s question:
What if I ask him to do something and he doesn’t like it?
Here’s the most important thing you need to know when you try something new in bed:
At some point, one of you will not like something.
If you think about, this happens all the time in your relationship. You <3 wine and he loves beer. You want to stay in and she fancies a night out. You favor Italian and they prefer Indian.
But because of The Sex Myth many of us place sex on a pedestal. Issues in the bedroom feel bigger, scarier, and more intimidating than issues elsewhere in our relationship (except, maybe, money).
On top of that sex, isn’t something you really talk about with friends. So when issues in the bedroom pop up, you’ve no frame of reference if they’re really problems, totally normal, something else entirely, or what!
What To Do if You Try Something New in Bed & Your Partner Doesn’t Like It
it depends on why they didn’t like it. Yes – this is the part where I tell you to talk to your partner about sex. 😉
Did it trigger your partner? Stop, check in to see what they need—cuddles, alone time, a good cry, a primal scream, etc—and honor their requests. At a later time, talk about whether it’s something you want to try again.
Did it not feel good? Was it awkward? Did it feel forced or just kind of meh? If so: try, try, and try again (with their permission, of course).
Whenever you try something new in bed or out don’t dismiss it after one less-than-pleasurable experience.
Think about that new routine in your Zumba class: the first time all you cared about was figuring out the steps and keeping up! Over time, you worried less about the logistics (aka steps) and more about having fun with it.
The same goes When You try something new in bed.
Let’s say you want to explore doggy style. The first time you worry about how to lay down, being comfortable and if you’re doing it “right.” Tries two to three are about refining how you do it and what feels better or worse a la “Should I lift my hips higher or lower?”. If after 3 or 4 tries, it still doesn’t feel good for one or both of you, switch it up or ditch it all together.
Make Trying Again Easier
Because even if you know you need to try again, that doesn’t
- Talk about what felt good and what didn’t. Do you have ideas to make it more pleasurable? Try them. If not, do some research. Explore this site, message me, or check out one of the other fabulous sex educators and coaches (my faves are Emily Nagoski, Dawn Serra, and Kate Kenfield).
- Set a timer to focus on just that activity. When time’s up, check in, see if you want to continue, and proceed…or don’t.
- Focus on pleasure, not orgasms. I’m all about fabulous orgasms but not everything you do in the bedroom has to lead to the big O. As Danielle Laporte says, and I’m paraphrasing here, the journey and the outcome should feel good – because the WHOLE point is to feel good. So focus more on how it felt rather than if it led to a happy ending.
Trying something new in the bedroom doesn’t have to be super intimidating or overwhelming.
Knowing that you’ll disagree at some point helps take the pressure off. And knowing what to do when that happens means you can focus more on playing and less on getting it “right.”