This article on the results from the 2021 PbK Visioning Survey, is an excerpt from The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, a 75-page workbook packed with the exact tools that have helped hundreds—and will help you—have more CONFIDENCE, CONNECTION, and PLEASURE in the bedroom and beyond. Click here to get your copy.
At the start of this year, we invited the PbK community (that’s you! 👋🏻) to participate in our second annual Visioning Survey. And hell yes: you told us what you really, really want for better sex and more connection in your relationships (if you have them)! We’re so grateful for all the incredible feedback and questions we’ve received.
Transparency is one of our core values here at PbK. In that spirit, we’re beyond excited to share with you anonymous results of this survey, including:
- who participated
- what participants are struggling with
- the topics they had questions about
- the areas they crave more support
- the types of support they want
Sprinkled throughout are resources available from us and our trusted partners to help you get exactly what you want in the bedroom—and keep finding freedom in pleasure.
Why A Survey?
Because PbK exists for you, our community.
We’re here to provide support to YOU and your needs and desires! We want to ensure that we’re addressing topics you care about so we can give you the resources and tools you need to experience more pleasure—in the bedroom and out. While Kait gets terrific feedback from her sex coaching & couple’s counseling clients, we wanted to hear from more of our community.
Plus, the more you practice asking for what you want in one part of your life—say, by completing a survey—the easier it is to ask in other parts of your life. Like in your sex life and relationship.
This year, with 15 respondents, we had nearly three times the number of participants as last year!
Most respondents (80%) said they were partnered monogamously. A handful reported various other relationship structures including casual partners, ethical non-monogamy, and being single.
Most respondents were age 25-44. There also was a growing number of folks in the 45+ age range. This really excited us! Kait’s first love was talking about sex across the life course and through major life changes—be that new parenthood, injury, illness, divorce, aging, etc—and we’re stoked to continue exploring it here on PbK.
More of you than ever are finding us on Instagram. Word of mouth and media were the other top two referrers. Thank you!!!
What’s Troubling Participants
Participants told us they felt broken, like there’s something wrong with them. They said they lack confidence—to start talking about sex, to ask for what they want, or even begin figuring it out—and that they struggle to reach out for help.
These issues directly impacted their intimacy, connection and satisfaction. Not only in their sex life but also in their relationship, and life as a whole. From feeling disconnected to struggling to experience orgasm with their partner to missing that SPARK of life, they felt the impact.
Many respondents blamed themselves for these issues. Even though we know you won’t believe us just from reading it, it’s important we remind you that societal messages around what makes good sex are properly fucked. Or as Kait’s former sex coaching client put it:
I’m beginning to think there is nothing wrong with me —we just live in a fast paced world that teaches women to think that.Sarah F
Many participants talked about stress messing with their sex life. That’s so fucking real.
For many, stress doesn’t just shut down their desire, it engages their E brake too. Which means, no matter how many sexy fun new things you add, that car….er, desire…isn’t going anywhere.
Even if you’re the opposite, and stress causes your sex drive to spike, managing stress still helps you feel satisfied, fulfilled, and connected.
Whether it’s pandemic-related anxiety, work stress, the struggle of navigating a chronic illness, or something else entirely, one of best ways to manage your stress in order to get your mojo back is to return to your body. We compiled this list of evidence-based movement practices to reduce stress and, in turn, increase you stamina, presence and pleasure.
Fearing Nothing will work
Despite putting a lot of effort into improving their sex life, participants also said they didn’t see a way from where they are now to where they want to be aka to having their dream sex life.
The data revealed why.
80% of participants had tried at least one thing to improve their sex life. Of those, 92%—all but one respondent!—had tried 2 or more things, and ⅔ had tried 3 or more things!!
The most common activities participants reported having explored were consuming media (books, podcasts, etc), talking to a healthcare provider, or mixing things up with new toys, positions, etc. Fewer of you had explored options like workshops, alternative sex and relationship structures and activities, or sex coaching or couples counseling.
And also: each of these common options falls short when it comes to finding freedom in pleasure and having it last.
Books provide a tremendous sense of shared reality; however, it isn’t always easy to apply the information to your specific scenario. Troubleshooting on your own isn’t easy to do, especially if you’re dealing with other life stressors (like, you know, a friggin’ pandemic).
Healthcare providers are vital when sexual concerns are biological in nature. Many are not. See also: why “the pink pill” doesn’t really work. Healthcare providers receive minimal sex education—usually about two hours or less. As a result, they tend to perpetuate harmful narratives like “just have a glass of wine to relax” rather than offer practical support. Similar can be said for any therapist who hasn’t done extensive training in sexuality.
As for mixing things up in the bedroom, we live for adventure and variety! Unfortunately, adding new things doesn’t address or heal with the things that makes sex unappealing, like feeling you’re broken, dealing with hella stress, managing chronic illness(es), etc. That’s because getting turned on and enjoying sex is a balance of turning ON the ONS and turning OFF the OFFs.
We created our Mindful Sex Mini-Course to fill in these gaps!
It builds on all the work you’ve already done AND goes deeper to also look at what’s holding you back from saying yes to more intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex. By the end of the course, you’ll have a personalized plan so that you can have sex more frequently, feel more connected, deepen your emotional intimacy, and feel more sexually satisfied.0,Meditate Your Way to Better Sex: A Mindful Sex E-Course
What Participants Have Qs About
low or mismatched libido
This is one thing that hasn’t changed in the last year…or really 5 years if we’re being honest. Nearly 75% of respondents mentioned having questions on this!
Mismatched libido can feel so painful and lonely. One person isn’t getting their needs met, and the other begins to feel pressured and guilty. No one is satisfied. Everyone starts to feel broken, like there’s something wrong with them.
The good news? There is a way out.
Navigating Low Desire is an interactive webinar that helps you figure out exactly what you need to get turned on so you can stop feeling broken and start having more sex and more intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex at that! These evidence-based techniques work no matter your sexual orientation or relationship status.
From figuring out how to orgasm with a partner to closing the orgasm gap, faking orgasms to making them be mind blowing rather than just a brief release that leaves you disappointed, you had a lot to say about orgasms. In fact, 60% of respondents said they had Qs about the Big O.
First, know that all of these are common issues that we see and hear about every single day. You are not alone.
Second, here are our most popular articles about orgasms:
- Looking for advice about having an orgasm during PIV? This Ask Kait’s for you.
- Edging can help you have longer, strong, more mind blowing orgasms!
- If you want to have a simultaneous orgasm, try this method.
- These tips, toys, and positions can make it so much easier to orgasm on your own or with a partner.
We also partner with a fab company called OMGYes. They’ve distilled the wisdom of 20,000 women into “exploration sessions” that invite you to explore and discover new techniques for pleasure that you didn’t even know felt good! Depending on what type of inspiration you’re looking for, you can choose from more clitoral-focused techniques or the inner pleasure collection. You have lifelong access, so you can go at your own pace.
Knowing what you want and like
Here again, 60% of participants identified this as a something they wanted to know more about. And – we get it! You can’t ask for what you want in the bedroom without first knowing what that is.
It may sound simple but start where you are! Take the time to self-pleasure, learn your body, likes, and dislikes, and get a deeper understanding of what turns you on, brings you pleasure, and gets you there. The how of this can vary, from trying mindful masturbation to taking yourself on a sex date.
Also: read the next section too. Those ideas are great if you need inspo beyond what you’re own brain-body comes up with!
Getting out of a rut and being more adventurous
Just under half of respondents identified this as an area they had questions about.
Whether you’ve been together for 41 years (a record for us!) or you’re flying solo, romance novels and feminist porn are two of our top places to new, sexual inspiration. Within both of these worlds, there’s truly something for everyone.
The world of kink and BDSM are also a great place to explore. You don’t have to go full-on but there’s so much creativity that we promise you’ll be inspired. Looking for a more vanilla place to start? Try sensation play.
Lastly, we created So…You Think You’ve Tried It All? to help with this exact struggle. This short workbook helps you uncover and discover new desires that you hadn’t previously thought of so you can get out of a rut and start being more adventurous!0,So…You Think You’ve Tried It All?
Trauma is so pervasive, from acute scenarios to chronic and ongoing forms like racism, ableism, sexism, and more, and finding healing is so important. While we do our best to be trauma-informed and work with many clients who have a history of trauma, helping folx heal trauma is outside of our training and capacity to work with.
You really deserve to work with someone who can support you fully. In that spirit, here are our favorite trauma educators:
What You Want
Better communication with Your partners
While only a quarter of participants cited communication as an area they had questions in, nearly every one mentioned it in the free response questions. Things like:
- “I keep this to myself. I think it’s all on me to figure out and struggle with reaching out for help.”
- “We’ve tried talking but we’re on different pages, it goes nowhere, and nothing changes”
- “My dream sex life involves open communication and being vulnerable with my partner.”
- The biggest thing holding us back from having a dream sex life is not being able to have non-judgmetnal conversations.”
- “How do I help my partner feel loved?”
- “How do I discuss sex with a partner? What’s most important if they’re a new partner?
*NEW* The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want
Our NEW 75-page workbook is packed with the exact tools, prompts, movement practices, and meditations that have helped hundreds have more confidence, connection, and pleasure in the bedroom and beyond.
A FREE Resource
We’re also excited to introduce our brand spanking new free resource: Conversation Starters for People Who Feel Awkward Talking about Sex! Featuring 11 opening lines, this guide gives you the exact phrases to start talking about sex with your partner so that you can have open, non-judgmental conversations, deepen your connection, feel more confident and free, and have more intimacy, adventure, fun, and satisfaction.
👇🏻 Drop your info to get your free guide.
more support around chronic illness
Another common trend that emerged was seeking out more resources around changing sexuality and pleasure related to various types of chronic illness, disability, and ageing.
As a company founded and led by a disabled and chronically ill human, we understand how often conventional sex advice leaves ability out of the conversation. It’s important to not let that be the case here at PbK. While our older articles lack this more intersectional perspective, we are working on updating them.
Additionally, our focus is on addressing the root causes of whatever is troubling you sexually and preventing you from finding freedom in pleasure—no matter what you’re going through now or in the future. The details of how you apply the advice vary but the method stays the same:
- Discover what turns you on (your YES) and what turns you off (your NO)
- Focus more energy on turning OFF the OFFS including but no limited to internalized oppression, physical limitations, societal messages, and interpersonal dynamics.
- Find freedom in pleasure!
That being said, here are some of our favorite pieces and most popular pieces:
- Pleasure in Chronic Pain
- About IBD podcast interview
- How to Manage the Sexual and Mental Health Side Effects of Infertility
- More than Physical: The Impacts of Fibroids on Sex
- A Sex Educator’s Guide to Tools for Painful Sex
- How to Feel Sexy with Light Bladder Leakage
More specific Resources
These are just a few of the areas participants identified wanting more specific resources created around. While these are all topics that get addressed through coaching, counseling, and Ask Me Anything sessions, we haven’t produced as much content here. Sit tight – we got you!
More Face Time with Kait
When it comes to how you want to receive support this year was a tight race. But, edging out just ahead for the second year in a row was working 1:1 with Kait.
We also just launched our brand-new Ask Me Anything sessions!
AMA is a personalized, confidential 30 or 60 minute session to pick Kait’s brain. You get to ask her ANYTHING about orgasms, libido, mixing things up, managing stress, communication, or whatever else is blocking you from getting what you want in the bedroom—so that you can start having more intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex ASAP.
As of writing this, there are 8 spots left at the special introductory rate. When they’re gone, they’re gone and the price goes up. Schedule your call so you can start feeling more confident, having hotter sex, and connecting more deeply with yourself and your beau(s).
More DIY Products
So what almost unseated 1:1 work from it’s throne? Online courses featuring videos and workbooks that you can take on your own schedule. and at your own pace.
Right now, we currently offer our Mindful Sex and Maximizing Desire e-courses, as well as partnering with OMGYes if its orgasm that you struggle with. For all three of these you can take your time, work through material at your own pace, and
As mentioned above, we are so grateful that our many resources already exist to support whatever it is you’re looking for. We’ve got you’re back!
And there’s so much more to come. The first place we announce new courses, workshops, events, and special deals is in our weekly Pleasure Note. Drop your deets here to start receiving it every Thursday evening.
You want to feel connected, confident, and satisfied
Through deeper conversations, more intimacy, stronger orgasms, and new bedroom adventures.
We hope the resources provided above will provide you exactly what you need to get just that. And, as always, if you have any questions you can contact us by clicking here.
Kait and the PbK Team
Correction: an earlier form of the article incorrectly named “Kai-Chang Thomas” as “Kait-Chang Thomas.” Apparently auto-correct knows our founder’s name a little too well now. 🤦🏼♀️