What is Kink + This is Why Kinky Sex Makes Your Relationship Hotter

His hands glide over my back, the touch barely there. A hint, a swish, a whisper. My skin erupts in goosebumps and I move restlessly, longing for more but at the same time relishing in the sensual torture.

For as far back as I remember, my back has been a source of intense pleasure and comfort. Some of my happiest memories involve having my back rubbed as I fell asleep. In college, my friends quickly learned my secret. A hand on my back while dancing or a stroke down my back during a hug would leave me wriggly, legs weak. Rubbing my back remains a surefire way to calm me down. It’s equally as likely to make me orgasm.

Because – you know – context matters.

My kink has always been a part of me. I thankfully never had a script telling me it was wrong. Different, unique, but generally celebrated.

I realize my privilege in that.

Because for many people, “kink” is indeed a dirty word. To this day BDSM is included in the DSM V– the diagnostic manual used by therapists to identify & treat mental illness.  And yet, studies show that kinky sex has some serious benefits to your sex life & relationship. Let’s bust through the BS shall we?

Kinky means having a sense of playfulness

It means you’re willing to experiment and explore new things, try sex acts and positions that you might not see featured in your fave romcom, and be adventurous—however that looks for you.

Here’s a more formal definition from our friends at Kinkly:

…an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional or unorthodox. While BDSM is one of the first things that springs to mind when someone hears the word kink, it’s far from the only kinky practice out there. Sexual acts such as spanking, dripping candle wax on the skin, participating in orgies, swinging and role-playing are also often considered to be kinky, as are some unusual sex positions or usage of sex toys.

Anything not kinky is said to be vanilla.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you like kinky sex

There’s lots of negative ideas about kinky sex. In fact, some fetishes are still listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders alongside medical issues like eating disorders and schizophrenia. Does this mean there’s something wrong with people who enjoy kinky sex?

Absolutely not!

In fact, research shows just the opposite.

Kink doesn’t have to be more dangerous than vanilla sex

Now, do certain kinky sex tips carry risks? Yes. You need to do your research before t rying more physical kinks like breath play or impact play so you and/or your beau(s) don’t get hurt.

Then again – I’d say everyone should do their research before sex, period.

But I digress…

Kink doesn’t have to be any more dangerous than vanilla sex – mine carries almost no risk. Be smart: do your research, put safety first, and communicate, communicate, communicate.

Kinky sex can make you happier, more confident, and more resilient

Every time you say HECK YES to your desires and SEE YA to the shame, negative messaging, & everything else that holds you back from embracing your pleasure, you build your confidence and soverignty.

Additionally, compared to people who call themselves vanilla, people who say they’re kinky tend to be.

  • more educated.
  • less anxious.
  • more outgoing.
  • more adventurous.
  • more reliable.
  • more confident in their relationships.
  • less likely to take rejection personally.

And, it’s not just the sex. It’s also what happens before and after, specifically consent and communication. If you practice BDSM, you’re expected to talk about your needs, desires, and what you’re comfortable and not comfortable doing. It makes sense that you’d also use these skills in other areas of your life.

There’s also the fact that much–but not all–BDSM involves teasing or withholding pleasure. This builds anticipation for you and your partner(s). As Gretchen Rubin describes in The Happiness Project, anticipation of something you’re excited about boosts happiness. And you’re probably pretty excited about sex, pleasure, and orgasm.

You can experience the benefits outside of the bedroom too

Anytime we go outside our comfort zone, we grow our capacity and confidence. So if you aren’t into anything I mentioned so far, you can still benefit from the playfulness, exploration, and communication involved in kink.


By tying new things with that challenge you and your partner.

If you love to cook or bake, try a recipe that intimidates you (for me that’s anything with yeast!). Bored with your closet? Take a #stylechallenge on Instagram. Want to feel closer to your sweetie? Read up on one of their hobbies, even if it bores you.

The goal is to talk about what you want, what you’re comfortable with, and then try it out! It can be sexual (here are three great ideas) but it doesn’t have to be.

Do I have to identify as kinky/a kinkster?

Nope. You may find, though, that taking on such an identity is freeing, a homecoming back to yourself. Or, it can help you get into the mood more easily.

To get started with kink, figure out what you want to try.

First, figure out what you want to try. Maybe you’ve always known – great!

If not, check out So…You Think You’ve Tried It All? designed to help you figure out just that.

0,So…You Think You’ve Tried It All?

Second, do your research. Different kinks = different levels of risk and therefore amount of preparation. What do you need to know to make trying your kink safe? Do you need specific tools? Have limitations from a chronic illness or injury?

Third, bring it up with your beau. You can start with something like, “I was reading this post about kinky sex, specifically [kink you want to try]. How do you feel about that?” Use your own words!

Read More: This is How to Start Talking To Your Partner About Sex

The path from there is less clear. Hopefully you’re both ready to jump right in! But your honey may need some time to process your request or do their own research. Be patient, remember that you love each other, and don’t be afraid to get creative with how your kink plays out.

Where can I learn more?

PbK Blog Posts

New Things to Try in Bed: Sensation Play

What Japanese Rope Bondage Taught Me About Vulnerability

Easy Ways to Add Adventure to Your Relationship

6 Ways to Use Sexual Fantasies for Better Sex

Teach them How to Please You

Do This for Your Best Orgasm


Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Wild Side Sex

Here are some of our favourite beginner kink sex toys

If you want to start exploring, we can’t recommend our friends at Unbound enough.

They have an entire line of kink sex toys—from over-the-door cuffs to a stunning nipple and clit clamp to their paddle Tsk and more—that is perfect for beginners.

Click here to checkout their full line of kink accessories

Kinky sex isn’t better than vanilla sex.

In fact, no one kind of sex is better than any other kind. Really it’s about having whatever kind of sex brings you pleasure. Exploring kinky sex is one way to do that, with lots of extra benefits for you, your significant other(s), your sex life, and your relationship.

This post contains affiliate links – I make a lil’ $ when you use them to shop and it doesn’t cost you a thing! I only recommend products that I love. Thank you so much for supporting #freedominpleasure. 

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