The last few years have put us all through the wringer. Even if your career and relationships are thriving, the ongoing stress has likely touched every part of your life. You might have noticed some side effects, such as a struggle with sleep, increased anxiety, or intrusive thoughts that keep you from staying present during sex.
These thoughts can range from general existential dread to specific worries about performance, body image, your partner’s pleasure, or being triggered by past experiences. Needless to say, there are countless things that can intrude on your intimate moments and kill the mood.
The good news is that there are several, science-backed ways to handle these intrusive thoughts so they don’t ruin your experience.
In-the-Moment Strategies
These practices help you redirect your attention and get back into your body.
- Do a body scan. Starting from your head and moving to your toes, notice where there’s tension, where there’s openness, and where you feel little sensation at all.
- Tune into your breath. Notice where you feel your breath the most—in your belly, chest, throat, nose, or mouth. Place your hand, or your partner’s hand, there.
- Fantasize. Call to mind a new or favorite sexual fantasy. Using your brain’s energy for a fantasy helps you focus on pleasure instead of anxiety.
- Check in with yourself. Ask yourself if you feel safe. If you don’t, identify what you need in that moment to feel safe again.
- Use your senses. Name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This brings your attention out of your head and into the present moment.
- Take a moment to look around. Glance at your surroundings in all directions—up, down, left, and right. This practice can help you ground yourself when you feel activated or triggered.
- Switch things up. Sometimes it’s as simple as changing what you’re doing. Adjusting your position, speed, or actions can instantly shift your focus.
- Try a trickier sex position. Choose a position that requires a bit more balance or coordination. This forces you to focus on the physical actions, which can pull you out of your head.
- Engage with your partner. If you find yourself in your head, a simple, non-verbal touch can help you reconnect. Hold hands, or press your bodies together.
Communication-Based Strategies
Talking about your experience in the moment or afterward can help redirect your attention and relieve feelings of shame.
- Name it to tame it. This is a common therapeutic tool that can be used here. Simply name what’s going on and ask for what might help. Maybe there’s a certain act that always gets you out of your head and into your body, or maybe you need to switch to mutual masturbation.
- Talk dirty. Harness your brain’s chatter by using its energy to focus on something you want or like. Share a fantasy, describe the experience, or say anything else that turns you on.
- Consider a professional. If intrusive thoughts during sex are a recurring problem, seeking support from a sex therapist, counselor, or coach can be incredibly helpful. They can provide customized approaches and help you address the underlying issues.
- Write about it. Use a journal to reflect on your experience and notice what came up for you. This can deepen your connection to yourself, open up new pathways to pleasure, and serve as a conversation starter with a partner.
Long-Term Practices
If intrusive thoughts are an ongoing issue, taking time to support your nervous system in your day-to-day life can help you stay more present.
- Incorporate movement into your daily routine. Shaking, dancing, or simply moving more throughout your day can help you release tension and stress. This trains your body to be more present and open to pleasure.
- Accept that sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Don’t beat yourself up for being a normal human with a complex emotional life. Sometimes the moment is simply lost, and that’s okay.
Intrusive thoughts don’t have to ruin your intimate moments. These in-the-moment tools, combined with a regular practice of self-care, will help you stay present and cultivate more connection and pleasure.